Chapter 1
Chapter Text
Oikawa has added Suga, Kageyama, Yahaba, Semi, Shirabu, Kenma, Akaashi, Atsumu, Futakuchi to 'The Pretty Setters + Futakuchi and mayhaps others' chat
8:32 PM
Shirabu: where tf did u find our numbers
Semi: ^^
Suga: ^^^^
Futakuchi: ^^^^^
Kageyama: ^^^^^^^
Kenma: i don't know u
Akaashi:: ^^
Atsumu: ^^^^
Oikawa: I just wanted us all to be friends :DDDDD
Suga: r u here looking to get bullied Oikawa
Semi: bc we will bully u
Kenma: oh ur the grand king
Oikawa: U KNOW ABOUT ME???
Kenma: dunno why Shouyou has such a high opinion of you. u sound kinda dumb
Kageyama: u call hinata by his first name??
Kenma:,,,uh yeah
Kageyama: y can't i do that too
Suga: im guessing it's bc you two aren't as close friends...?
Oikawa: isn't hinata the lil orange chibi that said he was determined to beat u tobio chan?
Kageyama: yeah
Kageyama: y is that important
Suga: absolutely no reason Kageyama don’t answer any of his questions
Oikawa: MR REFRESHING KUN HOW MEAN
Futakuchi: out of curiosity tho y this chat
Oikawa:,,,I was bored
Yahaba: my guess is that Iwauzumi san was ignoring u again and ur lonely and need new friends :))
Semi: if he needed friends why would he add us out of all people
Shirabu: yeah i thought he hated us
Oikawa: UR RIGHT I DO HATE U GUYS
Oikawa: Im just trying to find new people to make fun of :))
Atsumu: well have fun bc yer gonna be the one made fun of :))
Oikawa: says the person with the dumb sounding kansai accent :DD
Atsumu: U TAKE THAT BACK
Kenma: do i have to be here
Akaashi: yeah we’re not farmboys like the rest of u plz let us leave
Suga: i give my condolences to u two in tokyo
Atsumu: speakin of tokyo can one of u two plz run to itachiyama and tell sakusa to UNBLOCK ME
Kageyama: Atsumu san i thnik he probably blocked u for a reason
Semi: Sakusa from itachiyama as in the guy with black curly hair and insane wrists?
Akaashi: well there is only one sakusa in the kanto region
10:06 PM
Atsumu: this is v random I feel like firebendin would be fueled by yer level of horniness
Kenma: ur too airheaded to be a firebender
Atsumu: I am offended
Oikawa: OMG YEAH FIREBENDING WOULD TOTALLY BE HORNY FUELED
Suga: I could see kageyama and shirabu as firebenders for some reason
Semi: huh I always thought shirabu would be an earthbender for some reason
Oikawa: on a completely unrelated note should I listen to 50 shades of grey on audiobook
Kageyama: what's that
Suga: NO ONE TELL HIM
Akaashi: kageyama I suggest you avert your eyes
Futakuchi: lmfao yes do it
Semi: please do not
Atsumu: lmao I'll even do it with ya if u want
Yahaba: if u do it I'm telling iwaizumi senpai
Oikawa: WAIT WHAT NO
Shirabu: this conversation is absolutely appalling
Kenma: I am disappointed in all of us
Akaashi: disappointed in humanity more like
Futakuchi: is it just me or are u two vry existential
Akaashi: I think it's the city life
Kenma: yeah y'all are farm kids we can't relate
Akaashi: u guys can see the beauty in rural life
Kenma: we're just dead inside
Atsumu: 'm offended by how yer assuming we're not dead inside too
Shirabu: yeah we're all suffering
Oikawa: dead inside bc we didn't make it to nationals :((
Suga: happy inside bc we did :))
Semi: ^^
Futakuchi: OH WOW
Atsumu: OH WOT A BLOWWW
Yahaba: you're all terrible
Kageyama: yeah but at least we made it to nationals
Suga: oml my kouhai is learning from me i feel proud
Shirabu: semi y do u never compliment me like that
Semi: maybe if u weren't such a BITCH
Shirabu: yeah well ur dATING THIS BITCH
Semi: NOT LIKE I ASKED TO
Shirabu: U WANNA FIGHT I WILL FIGHT U
Oikawa: popcornlol
Futakuchi: semi @ shirabu rn: peppapigface
Yahaba: lmao yeah oikawa y do u never compliment me like that
Atsumu: WHAT A SMOOTH TRANSITION
Akaashi: wow that topic change
Kenma: ^^
Suga: ^^
Oikawa: WELL I'M SORRY (◞‸◟ㆀ) (◞‸◟ㆀ)
Kageyama: yeah oikawa why weren't u a good senpai??
Atsumu: things are getting heated in the senpai fandom
Futakuchi: anotherheateddiscussion
Akaashi: on that note is anyone else concerned about where semi and shirabu went off to?
Suga: I for one didnt know they were dating and am slightly concerned but also 99% sure they're making out right now
Yahaba: unfortunately ur probably right
Kenma: once again, disappointed in humanity
Oikawa: we've all turned into horny monsters what a dive
Atsumu: humans have always been horny monsters tho?
Kageyama: I thought the point of living was to procreate?
Futakuchi: aw u poor baby what have they been feeding u
Yahaba: just realized kageyama is the only first year here
Suga: oml yeah ur right
Atsumu: he's also the only first year in our All Japan trainin camp group chat w the nationals bois
Kageyama: the chat where ur always flirting with sakusa san and he ignores u? And then hoshiumi and komori san laugh and send memes?
Oikawa: BWAHAHAHAHA
Oikawa: OH MAN TSUMU CHAN U BEEN E X P O S E D
Futakuchi: lmfao wow how smooth ratsumu
Kenma: I can see why he would ignore u
Atsumu: SHUT YER TRAPS
Yahaba: spoken like a true Southerner
Akaashi: kageyama good job
Suga: this is y ur my favorite kouhai kageyama
Kageyama: your favorite kouhai is tsukishima though?
Kageyama: U always say he's the best bc he's fun to annoy
Kenma: tall one with the glasses?
Oikawa: looks salty as hell?
Shirabu: blocked Ushijima's spike?
Yahaba: oh wow ur back
Semi: the first year tendou is always complaining about?
Futakuchi: the blond one that koganegawa always talks about from the training camp?
Akaashi: he was in the 3 v 3 practice match we had at training camp
Suga: yep that'd be him
Suga: Sorry kageyama ur right he is my favorite
Kageyama: it's ok he needs more people to like him
Kageyama: Lots of people hate him
Shirabu: that kid must make a lot of enemies if he taunts every team he plays
Oikawa: I could've sworn he had a thing for karasuno's freckle chan
Kageyama: they're in denial I think. Something about how they're best childhood friends and could never like each other?
Yahaba: OH THAT SOUNDS FAMILIAR
Futakuchi: I WONDER WHERE I'VE HEARD THAT BEFORE
Akaashi: @kenma and @oikawa
Kenma: wth akaashi u know what kuroo is like
Oikawa: iwa chan wouldn't like me back anyways,,,
Semi: this is sad to read
Atsumu: u guys sound pretty hopeless
Suga: supposedly not as hopeless as ur flirting attempts though?
Futakuchi: *chokes on tea*
Atsumu: . . .
Oikawa: LMFAOOOOOOO
Akaashi: did you know that the more Os u use in lmao the more depresso u are
Yahaba: consuderin he can't f*ckiNG SEE i think i know why he's depresso
Suga: oikawa please do get your priorities straightened out
Semi: I think u mean get his priorities gayed out
Kageyama: i thought oikawa san was bi though?
Kenma: get his priorities bi-ed out then
Shirabu: Oikawa u remind me of a sad seal
Oikawa: what is that supposed to mean
Atsumu: yer sad and grey
Akaashi: but still supposedly a pretty boy
Oikawa: awww u think i'm pretty?
Kenma: no
Shirabu: ^^^
Futakuchi: ^^^^
Semi: ^^^^^
Suga: as the eldest amongst us disasters i now make the executive decision to label Akaashi as the Prettiest Setter™
Yahaba: I've never seen him before but he sounds nicer than Oikawa so sure
Semi: i HAVe seen him before and i have to agree
Oikawa: goddamnit owl chan even i have to admit ur pretty
Atsumu: we should rank all of us from prettiest to least
Futakuchi: ur least
Kageyama: I agree
Kenma: ur hair is disgusting too
Yahaba: I think second prettiest might be suga san tho
Suga: awww ty youre so nice
Shirabu: find urself a senpai who is nice enough to compliment their own kouhai and other school kouhai
Yahaba: ^^
Oikawa: OH WOW
Semi: mind you i'm perfectly capable of doing that
Akaashi: apparently not
Kageyama: suga san is sometimes evil though
Futakuchi: who in this chat isn't some degree of evil
Atsumu: ngl probably Kageyama he's a lil goody two shoes
Kageyama: i take full offense to that
Yahaba: yeah lmao his setter dumps rlly killing us
Semi: ^^ u dump him and he does it right back
Kageyama: :))
Chapter 2
Summary:
bathtubs? horny clowns? tua? anyone?
Notes:
ok ao3 was being wAck bc I posted this chapter this morning and apparently it's not showing up soooo. RIP me.
(again, links to link to places. I would recommend watching the video,,,)
enjoy :))
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
8:52 PM
Kenma: Guys
Akaashi:?
Yahaba: What's up
Kenma: is it possible fall asleep in ur bathtub
Atsumu: Lmao what
Kenma: bc i just woke up and I’m in my bathtub
Suga: um what it’s like 9 at night
Oikawa: if i had a bathtub i would do that too tho
Suga: Why would u do that
Shirabu: Why nottttt
Semi: You might drown
Semi: That’s why not
Suga: You might dieeee
Kageyama: put pillows and blankets int in
Kageyama: just dont fill the tub
Kageyama: ?
Semi: oh
Kenma: Yeah we're talking about no water
Yahaba: Lmao
Akaashi: Oh
Kageyama: sleeping in an empty tub yeah I've done that
Oikawa: WAIT U GUYS THOUGHT WE WERE TALKING BOUT WITH WATER
Akaashi: Yes
Suga: YEA
Atsumu: lol nopEEEee
Futakuchi: Sounds like something you would do
Futakuchi: Ngl
Oikawa: ,,,ur not wrong tho i totally would
Yahaba: Yeah it does
Semi: Empty tub is fun when it's one of those old Victorian fancy ones made of brass or wtvr
Suga: OOH YEA
Atsumu: what if ya fell asleep in one of those town tubs English people would bathe in once a month
Atsumu: and then rats crawled up ur ass
Kenma: that sounds terrible wtf
Suga: yikes that’s a no no
Kageyama: i do not want that
Akaashi: What is it with you and rats
Oikawa: NO TO THE ASS RATS AHAHAA
Yahaba: atsumu and rats man
Semi: Lmao ass rats
Kageyama: um
Futakuchi: RATS
Kenma: Ass rat
Akaashi: atsumu's favorite animal is probly rats tbh
Atsumu: It is NOT
Suga: do NOT let rats crawl up ur ass please
Suga: ESPECIALLY not in a bathtub
Semi: Yeah that sounds awful
Semi: Like really awful
Futakuchi: imagine if it were a moldly bathtub too
Semi: ...a moldly bathtub?
Futakuchi: okay i meant moldy shhhh
Suga: lolololol
Kenma: i'd use moldy bathtub as an insult
Futakuchi: LMAO
Akaashi: Nice
Yahaba: I want to see you use that
Yahaba: I really do
Oikawa: oml I would die if you used that
Shirabu: I'd pay to see that happen
Kageyama: ^^
Kenma: Someone add kuroo and I will
Kenma: Not actually
Kenma: But I could
Shirabu: Someone plz add whoever kuroo is I want to see this happen
Akaashi: I can
Akaashi added niconiconikuroo to the chat
Niconiconikuroo: Kenmaaaaaa what is this you've added me to?
Kenma: Hi you moldy bathtub
Semi: ...
Shirabu: ...
Futakuchi: ...
Suga: ...
Kageyama: ...
Yahaba: ...
Oikawa: ...
Atsumu: ...
Akaashi: ...
Niconiconikuroo: kenma what the
Kenma removed niconiconikuroo from the chat
Semi: ok moving on
Oikawa: You know what I enjoy
Shirabu: moldy bathtubs
Oikawa: No what I don't want to take a shower on tsumu chan bah yucky
Atsumu: YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Oikawa: NO UR YUCKY
Oikawa: Anyways any OTHER suggestions
Yahaba: Being horny
Kenma: pining
Akaashi: dying
Futakuchi: ^^
Suga: ^^
Kageyama: pining over iwaizumi san
Oikawa: I was not expecting that, , ,
Oikawa: But you're not wrong
Oikawa: tobio chan how could u expose me like this
Suga: it's not like u try to hide it
Semi: ^^
Yahaba: yeah ur always flirting w him
Futakuchi: ur very obvious
Atsumu: pinin over yer childhood best friend? Can't relaTe
Oikawa: pining over someone who won't even talk to me? Can't relaTE
Yahaba: oh shnap what a blow
Kageyama: yeah sakusa san ignored u the whole training camp and now he’s still ignoring u on the group chat
Atsumu: YA KNOW WHAT KAGEYAMA NO ONE ASKED YA
Suga: my kouhai doing me proud (*´˘`*)
Shirabu: wow I wish my senpai would praise me like that ahem
Yahaba: I wish my senpai wasn't so hopeless
Oikawa: EXCUSE U WHAT DO U MEAN BY THAT
Yahaba: ur not being a good role model. U don't admit ur feelings
Atsumu: BWAHAHAHAHA
Kenma: all of you are hopeless
Akaashi: ^^
Suga: Lmao true we kinda are
Futakuchi: does anyone else in here actually have their sh*t together? Semi and shirabu dont count bc theyre smth else
Kageyama: i do
Suga: no u really dont
Kageyama: i think i do?
Suga: ,,,no u really dont. calling someone boke as a term of endearment is,,,questionable at best
Kageyama: oh
Yahaba: yeah no one here has their sh*t together
Atsumu: at least some of ya r childhood friends
Kenma: yeah and
Oikawa: we’re ur cliche dont-wanna-ruin-the-friendship peeps
Oikawa: i for one think that tobio chan and pretty owl chan have the highest chances
Kenma: yeah akaashi bokuto stares at u w heart eyes
Akaashi: no he does not
Oikawa: and chibi chan looks at tobio chan like he hangs the stars or smth it’s disguSTING he’s got him wrapped around his little finger istg
Semi: u guys r all rlly obvious lol
Suga: yeah no none of us can rlly hide it tbh
Yahaba: i wanna say it’s a setter curse but then there’s semi and shirabu
Futakuchi: lol i have been forgotten?
Yahaba: ur not a setter but wAIT do u have ur sh*t together??
Kageyama: yeah he does
Futakuchi: HOW’D U KNOW
Kageyama: hinata is friends with aone?
Futakuchi: oh yeah that’d make sense
Yahaba: welp Futakuchi isn’t a setter anyways SO SETTER CURSE STILL A THING
Suga: pretty sure it’s only applicable when said setter likes someone who isn’t a setter
Shirabu: nah u guys just suck
Semi: SAYS YOU
Shirabu: ????
Shirabu: wdym i LITERALLY CONFESSED
Semi: no u did NOT
Yahaba: lmao this is funny to witness
Shirabu: AFTER PRACTICE. I SAID
Semi: AFTER PRACTICE U YELLED AT ME “I HATE U GO OUT WITH ME”
Futakuchi: ahjkjgdkfsj this is hilarious
Suga: sounds like something kageyama would do too
Akaashi: if he does that i feel sorry for hinata
Kenma: me too
Kageyama: i would not do that
Oikawa: lmfao yes u absolutely would u spend half ur time trying to attack him
Oikawa: but on that note mad dog chan would totally confess to u like that yahaba ;))
Yahaba: shUt UP
11:43
Akaashi: I just read a thing where they described eyes as "seeing balls"
Oikawa: o r b s
Futakuchi: S w i v e l y o r b i e s
Oikawa: e m e r a l d o r b s
Kenma: Seeing balls
Kageyama: I’m not even gonna ask
Suga: Good
Semi: The smart choice here
Yahaba: anyone here use spotify
Semi: i think most of us do
Kageyama: i use soundcloud
Kenma: i use both
Atsumu: AND I JUST GOT THE HORNY CLOWN AD ON SPOTIFY JESUS Y
Atsumu: i'd like to say this ain't the first time either i keep gettin it and it's annoyin as hell
Oikawa: LMAO U GET THE SEDUCTIVE MCDONALD'S ADS ON SPOTIFY?
Oikawa: I JUST GET VISA ADS??
Atsumu: SPOTIFY THINKS IM A HORN DOG IDK?
Akaashi: spotify isn't wrong
Kenma: ^^
Futakuchi: LMFAOOOO
Atsumu: SPOTIFY f*ckIN LOOKED AT MY MUSIC AND WENT "YEA THIS BITCH DOWN TO CLOWN"
Futakuchi: DOWN FOR THEM Q U A R T E R P O U N D E R S
Oikawa: J U I C Y QUARTER POUNDER
Yahaba: yikes imagine a hot sweaty quarterpounder
Semi: Hot sweaty quarter pounders
Futakuchi: That sounds dosgusting
Akaashi: I will cry
Suga: Its McDonald's of course its disgusting
Futakuchi: Me to ur Spotify ads atsumu: loluwildkeepgoingtho
Yahaba: LMAO
Kenma: They're truly awful
Futakuchi: I can imagine the shock when ur vibing w some nice music then DEEP VOICE SAYING BA DA BA BA BaAaAaaa
Atsumu: EXACTLY
Kageyama: that sounds horrifying
Akaashi: ^^^
Atsumu: ‘m like vibin to some polkadot stingray and keytalk and I get a HORNY CLOWN? NO THANK YOU
Oikawa: SPOTIFY THINKS UR DOWN FOR HORNY CLOWNNNN
Shirabu: Who isn’t
Semi: kenjirou what
Shirabu: i mean who is?*
Yahaba: Horny for clowns on main lol
Atsumu: im not I promise
Oikawa: Spotify thinks u r tho
Atsumu: I'm actually not sure what that says about me
And my music taste
Suga: Who knowsss
Futakuchi: Ur horny for clowns and want that juicy juicy quarter pounder??
Atsumu: im guessin it means my music taste is "down for hot clown sex" but still
Atsumu: Lmao yea
Shirabu: Okay so something new we've discovered bc i just got the damn ad:
The clowns voice is husky as f*ck
Semi: Want a “juicy juicy quarter pounder” is starting to sound like something else
Semi: The more juicys you add, the worse it is
Suga: as one of the only other sane mothers in this house semi i wholeheartedly agree
Semi: ty very much
Atsumu: IT IS HUSKY THO
Atsumu: THE f*ckIN CLOWN
Futakuchi: lmao wtf?
Atsumu: IT HUSKY AS f*ck LIKE WHAT KINDA CLOWN
Kageyama: can we not talk about horny clowns anymore plz
Suga: yeah u guys should go to sleep
Kenma: what is sleep
Yahaba: ^^
Kageyama: ^^^^^
Shirabu: why sleep when u can binge watch till morning
Oikawa: valid i do that too
Yahaba: yeah but u binge watch volleyball matches
Yahaba: we actually watch shows
Oikawa: IM STILL BINGE WATCHING SOMETHING
1:07 AM
Atsumu: I saw a thing where it said that Klaus stans are gay and sad and honestly yeah that sums me up
Kenma: YEP
Shirabu: 5 stans are gay and salty
Shirabu: And that's me
Suga: Lmao yes
Oikawa: One big happy familyyyyy
Atsumu: Ayeeeeee
Kageyama: u guys watch tua?
Yahaba: only the first season so far but luther reminds me of my first impression of atsumu on this chat can i just say
Atsumu: WHAT WHY
Akaashi: thinks they’re the best and simultaneously pisses off a lot of people?
Atsumu: yikes when u put it like that,,,
Kageyama: I think we’re all a little bit Klaus tho
Kenma: gay and sad sums up too many people in this chat
Akaashi: ngl so does gay and salty
Oikawa: in this house we're either gay and sad or gay and salty take ur pick
Yahaba: ok but have u seen the loaf song
Kageyama: loaf song?
Yahaba: the one by aiden gallagher who plays five
Semi: he has a loaf song?
Suga: omg i’ve seen that
Shirabu: that video scared me ngl i refuse to believe the kid in that video and five are the same person
Futakuchi: it’s kinda terrifying just gotta say
Oikawa: LOOOOAF LOAFFFFF
Atsumu: LOAF 🍞✨ BY LOAF 🍞😻 LOAF 🍞💀 LOAF 🍞😼 LOAF 🍞😖 BY LAURV 😤🔪 LOAF 🍞😁 LOAF 🍞👄 LOAF 🍞🙄 BY LOAF 🍞😚
Suga: here’s the link if you wanna watch it: link
Oikawa: he saw the guitar and said THIS IS MY BITCH NOW
Futakuchi: he really went all out with that cursive singing
Suga: not just cursive he’s singing in italics and bold too
Semi: oh wow that’s,,,something
Kageyama: yikes someone get him some bread
Yahaba: IKR SOMEONE PLZ GIVE THE BOY SOME B R E A D
2:27 AM
Oikawa: FML I JUST GOT THE HORNY CLOWN AD
Oikawa: I WANNA CRY
Oikawa: STOPPPP
Oikawa: TSUMU CHAN U CURSED ME
Atsumu: AHAHAHA JOIN ME
Oikawa: I WAS VIBING TO THE KAGEROU PROJECT AND THEN THIS MONSTROSITY
Atsumu: ITS COME FOR YA TOO
Atsumu: BA DA BA BA BAaAAaaa
Oikawa: DISGUSTANG
Oikawa: ITS SO UNNECESSARILY SEXY
Oikawa: I DON'T WANT HORNY CLOWN ADS NOOOOO
Notes:
As someone who has watched Umbrella Academy and later watched Aiden's loaf video I almost died it was so funny. ALso scary but. Mostly funny?
(Btw, If you know me irl and you're reading this I'm sorry. If you don't know me irl, that's probably for the better,,,haha)
Chapter 3
Summary:
Akaashi: but i dont want to get up
Akaashi: it should be fineKenma: ur gonna die if u keep doing this
Kageyama: ouch
Kenma: one day u will wake up bleeding excessively and then not get help and then you’re going to die and I’m going to be at ur funeral saying “i f*cking told u so”
Notes:
'm sleepy
please enjoy :))
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
4:21 AM
Kageyama: to anyone else why were they talking about clowns at 2 am
Kenma: bc they're weirdos
Yahaba: also like. theyve got problems
Shirabu: they're disgusting
Kenma: oikawa and atsumu being in the same place irl would be horrifying
Shirabu: they would terrorize everyone and then terrorize each other
Yahaba: no one is safe once Oikawa finds a bi more disastrous than him
Kageyama: i am kinda terrified
Kenma: as you should be
Kenma: let's hope we never all meet in person
Shirabu: especially not with all our teams
Yahaba: lmao Oikawa would flat out cry if he saw ushijima
Yahaba: w that "yoU shOULD'vE cOmE to ShiRatOriZaWa" spiel
Kageyama: i kinda wanna see that happen
Kenma: ^^ sounds fun
Shirabu: when u say flat out r u referring to his flat ass as well
Yahaba: LMAOOOO
Yahaba: oml yes oikawa the flat ass
Kageyama: do u use honorifics for ur upperclassmen?
Shirabu: only if they deserve it
Kenma: not rlly no
Yahaba: at school maybe, anywhere else...no?
Shirabu: ur kinda two-faced
Yahaba: wOW U tAKE THAT BACK
Shirabu: never.
5:54 AM
Suga: why were u guys up so late
Yahaba: I mean I woke up at 4 to do hw so technically I did sleep
Yahaba: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Shirabu: Oikawa would u want a bee up ur flat ass
Oikawa: I absolutely would not
Semi: Good choice
Oikawa: can I ask why???
Akaashi: I'm so glad we're revisiting this topic
Akaashi: Because we obviously need to talk about this
Semi: We really do
Shirabu: Who here is most likely to do that anyways
Oikawa: bruh why is no one answering my question-
Yahaba: crawl up someone's ass??? uh not it
Oikawa: I think it's 100% atsumu
Atsumu: scuse me
Atsumu: That’s insultin
Oikawa: doesn't make u any less of a stinky bee. I rest my case
Shirabu: then u would be a squirrel bc they're dumb and get run over all the time
Yahaba: lmao yeah he's dumb for sure
Semi: yeah but aren't squirrels resourceful tho?
Atsumu: compare oikawa's level of thirst for Iwaizumi with horny rabbits and you've got him down perfectly
Yahaba: GODDAMN WOW UR SPOT ON
Oikawa: TSUMU CHAN WTF ( ☉д⊙)
Futakuchi: me over here gaining a couple more brain cells every time someone insults atsumu or oikawa
Yahaba: especially if they insult each other
Suga: quality content right there
Semi: ^^^
7:12 AM
Oikawa: this is completely irrelevant but i found this video and it describes tsumu chan tryin to flirt w sakusa P E R F E C T L Y
Oikawa: link
Kageyama: it's like being at the all Japan youth nationals all over again
Atsumu:...
Futakuchi: LMFAO
Semi: AHAHA
Akaashi: Kageyama please never change
Kenma: the accuracy is sad
Yahaba: ^
Atsumu:...
Suga: unfortunately he doesn't even have a hiccup to help him out
Atsumu:...
Oikawa: no words hm?
Atsumu: blinkinggif
Semi: I think he's broken
Atsumu: LAKSJDAF;Jjl
Yahaba: uh what
Atsumu: WHAT DID YA DUMS SEND THAT'S MAKIN MY LESSER TWIN ROLL ON THE FLOOR LAUGHIN
Suga: pfftttt AHAH
Kenma: i was wondering why he was so silent
Atsumu: F U OIKAWA
Oikawa: NO THX UR NOT IWA CHAN
Suga: lmao u guys rn kageyama is on his phone laughing and hinata asked him if he finally found friends and kageyama’s face turned beet red and he threw hinata halfway across the gym
Akaashi: yikes
Kenma: tell kageyama i will hurt him
Kageyama: im sorry i didn’t mean to throw him
Suga: he’s not wrong, it’s more or less become instinct for him to chuck hinata across the room whenever he’s embarrassed
Oikawa: also yikes
Atsumu: NOW ALL OF MY TEAMMATES R MAKIN FUN OF ME THX U GUYS
Oikawa: lmao ur welcome my good setter
7:56 PM
Futakuchi: Moonshine is a type of alcohol right
Atsumu: Yes
Futakuchi: Wanna share some
Shirabu: Definitely yes
Atsumu: Hell yes
Futakuchi: hallelujah i need more drinking friends
Futakuchi: i love aone and all but he has ZERO tolerance so i cant get properly wasted w him :((
Shirabu: can relate
Shirabu: semi can't hold his drink either its disappointing
Suga: u guys are...in high school. wtf?
Kageyama: suga san maybe it's best to leave them be
9:38
Oikawa: Would you rather be a mackerel or a hatrack
Futakuchi: Uh
Futakuchi: Mackerel?
Yahaba: U wanna be eaten??
Futakuchi: Yes.
Atsumu: Absolutely.
Yahaba: Lmao nice
Akaashi: was that an indirect bungou stray dogs reference or are my eyes hallucinating again
Oikawa: that was def a bsd reference ty for catching on pretty owl chan
Suga: am i the only person worried by "or are my eyes hallucinating again"
Akaashi: dont worry it's not a problem
Kenma: he just doesnt sleep sometimes and his eyes die
Kenma: one time he texted me in the morning when his eyes were dead and said "i think i just saw 4 bokutos i don't think i can handle being banged by 4 bokutos at once"
Kageyama: akaashi san u scare me a little bit
Akaashi: i scare myself too sometimes
Kenma: never take him drinking
Akaashi: please never take me drinking
Oikawa: well now im intriuged
Futakuchi: ngl me too i wanna see what akaashi is like drunk
Akaashi: u really dont want to see it
3:27 AM
Kageyama: My window just opened
Kageyama: I am scard
Yahaba: Uh kageyama u good?
Kageyama: Why did my window ope
Kenma: You're haunted probably
Kenma: I wonder if I could become a ghost and haunt other people too
Shirabu: why are our conversations on this chat so weird
Akaashi: ur asking this now? after we deadass spent 20 minutes talking about horny clowns the other night?
Shirabu: well . i can understand horny clowns
Kageyama: what
Akaashi: what, r u the horny clown?
Shirabu: SKG;ALASLKSF NO
Kenma: or r u into horny clown. bc if so. feelsbad for semi
Shirabu:
Kageyama: ur lack of an answer scares me im going to sleep bye bye
5:42 AM
Semi: what the actual f*ck Kenjirou
Oikawa: PFFTTTT AHAAHAHAHAHA
Semi: i. have no words.
Oikawa: on clowns tho, , , maybe u should watch the Killer Klowns from Outer Space movie w him!!
Atsumu: sounds like a monstrosity lol
Oikawa: not as much of a monstrosity as u tsumu chan !
Atsumu: pot callin the kettle black much?
Semi: I think i've seen that movie before
Yahaba: when i first watched it it gave me nightmares
Yahaba: there's this one scene when debbie is in her house and the tiny clown snakes things jump out at her and ughhhhhh i hated it
Kageyama: I thought the scene with the bloody bodies inside the cotton candy was yucky
Semi: ugh yeah that scene was a bit gross
Oikawa: yeah BUT THEYRE ALIENS!! ALIENS ALIENS ALIENS 👽👽👽
Atsumu: if u like aliens so much why dont we send ya to space
Yahaba: oh no Atsumu dont encourage him
Yahaba: actually he wouldn't leave without iwaizumi san anyways
Yahaba: he's too clingy to leave his boyfie behind on earth
Oikawa: alas! he will never be my boyfie bc iwa chan will never love me back T_T
Yahaba: ...
Suga: Oikawa I can and will come over to ur school and slap you istg
Yahaba: yes please do
Semi: ^^
Shirabu: ^^^^^
Atsumu: ^^^^^^^^
Futakuchi: yes pls slap him we all need it to be done
Oikawa: why r u guys bullying meeeee
Akaashi: because you deserve it
Futakuchi: and bc it's fun
Kenma: can't argue with those points
Kageyama: ^^
1:42 AM
Oikawa: screenshot1
Oikawa: Yo my pirates of the Caribbean soulmate is will turner
Atsumu: WHAT THATS MY BOY
Suga: HAHA
Atsumu: Ya CANT TAKE MY BOY LIKE THAT
Oikawa: I JUST DID ALSO ATSUMU UR A LIBRA RIGHT
Atsumu: ...yes
Atsumu: If I get Davey Jones istg im murderin yer ass oikawa
Oikawa: … :))
Oikawa: screenshot2
Astumu: FML
Oikawa: LMAOOOOO
Atsumu: I f*ckIN kNEW IT I HATE IT HERE
Suga: pffttt ahahaha
Oikawa: this quiz thinks atsumu is into tentacles and i think we all agree he is
Akaashi: if he is im sorry for sakusa
Suga: honestly we all are
Atsumu: I will have y'all know that he unblocked me yesterday
Kageyama: he also said that it was an accident and blocked u again?
Atsumu: YANNO WHAT KAGEYAMA
Kageyama: plz don't hurt me I'm a good boy :DD
3:41 AM
Yahaba: has oikawa ever mentioned how much he loves pingu
Shirabu: what
Kageyama: what
Kenma:...
Yahaba: one time at like the middle of the day i was in literature class and i open my phone and see THIS: buffpingu
Yahaba: W THE CAPTION: “doesn’t that look like my iwa-chan?”
Shirabu: wow gay
Yahaba: wow who’s the one here w a boyfriend?? you?
Kageyama: i feel kinda bad for iwaizumi san for putting up w oikawa san
Kenma: yeah me too
Akaashi: my eyes hurt
Kenma: again?
Akaashi: but i dont want to get up
Akaashi: it should be fine
Kenma: ur gonna die if u keep doing this
Kageyama: ouch
Kenma: one day u will wake up bleeding excessively and then not get help and then you’re going to die and I’m going to be at ur funeral saying “i f*cking told u so”
Shirabu: the longest message he’s ever sent lmao
Akaashi: wow. okay.
Yahaba: dw akaashi i have faith in ur survival skills
Kenma: more like a lack thereof
Akaashi: says the person who doesn’t sleep
Kenma: yeah well at least I survive the day
Akaashi: i do too
Kenma: huh yeah sure tell that to all the thirsty texts u send to poor unsuspecting ppl like me
Akaashi: i’ll have u know ur the only person who gets those
Kenma: how unlucky
Akaashi: u deserve it
Yahaba: (yikes should we go)
Shirabu: (nah this is funny)
Kageyama: (u just want the clout dont u)
Shirabu: (shhhh)
Akaashi: u guys do realize we can see all ur texts
Kenma: ^^ yeah
Kageyama: lol
Yahaba: yeah shirabu kinda slow to the take
Shirabu: OH REALLY?
Yahaba: yEP
5:18 AM
Semi: lmao living for akaashi and kenma passive aggressively shading each other
Suga: ^^ city kids are wild
Kenma: we’re not wild we’re just
Akaashi: dead
Akaashi: im dead. My eyes are burning. Fml i see three of me in the mirror
Futakuchi: do u need glasses??
Akaashi: at this point. People’s faces look blurry if i'm standing more than a meter away. So yes. probly
Kenma: that’s what u get
Semi: im curious as to why u were up so late tho
Kenma: he was watching recordings of f*ckurodani matches
Suga: ,,,uh why
Akaashi: bokuto is bueaitufl
Akaashi: y eles
Semi: yikes ok then
Kenma: u see what i have to put up w?
Futakuchi: lmao i thought akaashi was one of the sane ones
Suga: yeah same
Semi: ^^
Kenma: u all thought wrong
Notes:
Honestly dunno how I feel about this chapter bc two thirds of it was typed at like 1 AM so,,,rip my eyes.
(Does anyone else (if you're a student I guess) have to do like half-online, half-in-school stuff? Bc that's what we're doing. And it's a struggle but it gives me more time for stuff so win-win? Also, what is homework? Never heard of her. I swear I'm a good Asian child I don't talk to strangers :D)
Chapter 4
Summary:
Among Us.
That's it that's the summary
Notes:
Note: For those of you who don't know or don't play the game, Among Us is basically a game where you're lil spaceboi and you run around on a map trying to finish tasks while there's An Imposter who is bad and tries to kill everyone. Whenever a dead body is found someone will report it and the people discuss who might've been the killer on a chat in the game before voting for who is most sus. The goal of the game is to either find the Imposter(s) before they kill everyone, or finish all the tasks before they kill everyone. (play or die basically)
It's really fun, and free on mobile and free on laptop/pc too if you know where to find it. Would recommend.
(an edit from 10/11/21: this chapter is so outdated but it's kinda hilarious so i'm keeping it)
please enjoy :))
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
9:51 PM
Kenma: anyone up for among us
Oikawa: OMG YES ALIEN BABIES
Suga:,,,they’re not,,,aliens?
Atsumu: yea theyre lil ppl in spacesuits oikawa whatre u on
Oikawa: they look like aliens to me lol
Shirabu: well that’s bc ur blind
Yahaba: true in fact oikawa wears glasses
Kageyama: wait what
Oikawa: yeah I wear glasses so what CMON WHAT'S THE CODE
Akaashi: shouldn't we figure out who can play first
Futakuchi: I can play
Semi: ^^
Shirabu: ^^
Yahaba: ^^
Atsumu: ^^
Kageyama: I don't know how to
Suga: u guys can start first I'm gonna try and help kageyama get it on his laptop
Kenma: k
Kenma: code is XXXXXX
Atsumu: that's real f*ckin ominous
Futakuchi: lmao I didn't know u could use big words
Atsumu: what's that supposed to mean
Futakuchi: absolutely nothing
Yahaba: smooth futakuchi real smooth
Akaashi: we're all in
IMPOSTERS ARE SEMI (pink) AND AKAASHI (yellow)
futakuchi (dark green) is crewmate
oikawa (cyan) is crewmate
yahaba (light green) is crewmate
shirabu (purple) is crewmate
kenma (red) is crewmate
atsumu (brown) is crewmate
DEAD BODY REPORTED BY RED
dead: Yahaba, Shirabu
in chat:
Akaashi: where
Futakuchi: where
Kenma: found shirabu in hallway outside storage, near electrical
Atsumu: I saw oikawa in electrical earlier
Oikawa: I WAS FIXING WIRES
Semi: defensive now are we?
Oikawa: I DID NOTJING
Akaashi: u sound vry sus
Oikawa: I. WHAT. I WAS LITERALLY FIXING THE WIRES
Semi has voted (5 remaining)
Atsumu: honestly yea
Atsumu has voted (4 remaining)
Oikawa: u guys know what I'm skipping
Kenma: hm but I did see semi double back from storage when I was doing wires in admin
Kenma has voted (3 remaining)
Futakuchi: yikes okay
Futakuchi: wait isn't yahaba dead too
Oikawa: oml yeah I forgot about him
Atsumu: can u guys plz vote already
Akaashi: if it isn't Oikawa then mb vote semi next round
Akaashi has voted (2 remaining)
Oikawa has voted (1 remaining)
Futakuchi has voted (0 remaining)
Results: oikawa-😶😶😶 semi-😶😶 skipped-😶
Oikawa was not An Imposter. Two imposters remain
dead people chat:
Shirabu: SEMI F*** YOU
Shirabu: I THOUGHT WE WERE PALS
Shirabu: U LITERAL TRAITOR I HATE U
Yahaba: gee calm down a lil won't u
Shirabu: I'M PISSED
Yahaba: yeah I can TELL
Yahaba: I straight up went into storage and didn't even get to find the wires before AKAASHI SNAPPED MY NECK
Shirabu: I was coming out of electrical like one does and tHEn he PULLS OUT A GUN AND SHOOTS ME
two minutes later…
DEAD BODY REPORTED BY YELLOW
dead: red
in chat:
Semi: where
Atsumu: where
Akaashi: security. And I saw atsumu running from it
Atsumu: I WAS GOIN FROM THE REACTOR TO THE CAFeteria
Futakuchi: sounds sus
Akaashi: yeah
Futakuchi has voted (3 remaining)
Akaashi has voted (2 remaining)
Atsumu: M NOT THE IMPOSTER ISTG
Semi: lol too late
Semi has voted (1 remaining)
Atsumu: ugh y'all suck
Atsumu has voted (0 remaining)
Results: Atsumu-😶😶😶 skipped-😶
Atsumu was not An Imposter. Two Imposters remain
dead people chat:
Oikawa: lmao akaashi and semi r playing them good
Kenma: I'm going to destroy him next round I swear
Yahaba: u got killed by akaashi too?
Kenma: yes I hate him
Shirabu: can't hate him as much as I hate semi
Shirabu: WHO SHOT ME IN THE HEAD
Kenma: well I was stabbed by the stomach spikey
Yahaba: oh yikes that's painful
DEFEAT (the imposters won)
10:09 PM
Akaashi: hah
Atsumu: ISTG I TOLD U I WAS GOIN FROM REACTOR
Oikawa: I TOLD U I WAS DOING WIRES
Kenma: that trick w the lights akaashi I hate u
Akaashi: no u don't
Kenma: yes I do
Yahaba: I know I hate akaashi dude snapped MY NECK THE MOMENT. I WENT INTO STORAGE. I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO START MY TASK.
Futakuchi: lmao loving how I never got killed. Gg
Semi: yeah well we won so. Gg you guys
Shirabu: terrible game*
Kenma: ^^
Yahaba: ^^
Atsumu: ^^^^^^^
Suga: we finished setting up is the code still the same?
Kenma: yeah it's XXXXXX
Kageyama: thx
Suga: ty
IMPOSTERS ARE SUGA (white) AND KAGEYAMA (dark blue)
futakuchi (dark green) is crewmate
oikawa (cyan) is crewmate
yahaba (light green) is crewmate
shirabu (purple) is crewmate
kenma (red) is crewmate
atsumu (brown) is crewmate
semi (pink) is crewmate
akaashi (yellow) is crewmate
EMERGENCY MEETING CALLED BY CYAN
in chat:
Semi: what
Yahaba: what
Akaashi: ?
Shirabu: it hasn't even been a minute wtf I was in the middle of a download
Oikawa has voted (9 remaining)
Oikawa: TOBIO CHAN VENTED
Kageyama: what's a vent
Suga: he just got the game I doubt he even knows how to navigate the screen
Futakuchi: much less vent lmao
Atsumu: lol yeah he was wanderin round like he didnt know the controls
Yahaba: im skipping?
Kenma: same
Suga has voted (8 remaining)
Akaashi: honestly yeah
Kenma has voted (7 remaining)
Akaashi has voted (6 remaining)
Oikawa: I STRAIGHT UP SAW HIM VENT
Atsumu: yer hallucinatin ya dum
Atsumu has voted (5 remaining)
Kageyama: do I click the skipped button to vote it
Futakuchi: hE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO VOTE
Yahaba: yeah skip button
everyone has voted. (0 remaining)
Results: Kageyama-😶 Oikawa-😶😶😶 skipped-😶😶😶😶😶😶
No one was ejected. Two Imposters remain
10 minutes later…
DEFEAT (the imposters won)
10:23 PM
Oikawa: I TOLD U GUYS IT WAS TOBIO CHAN
Atsumu: GOODY TWO SHOES SHOT ME WTF
Futakuchi: yikes suga was scary good tho
Yahaba: lmao yeah while I was a ghost I saw as he brutally murdered futakuchi in cafe, vent to admin, then sabotaged comms and ran back there then killed semi the moment he walked in
Akaashi: honestly do not know how that's possible
Semi: yeah how'd u wait the cooldown
Suga: easy. Killed futakuchi, vented to admin and waited for cooldown while checking out the admin device to see who was where
Suga: sabotaged comms knowing that semi was nearby and the others were all the way in reactor or medbay
Suga: ran to comms just in time for cooldown to be over, kill semi, me and Kageyama won.
Kageyama: I rlly didn't know how to vent tho
Oikawa: I think the funniest part was wheN KAGEYAMA KILLED ATSUMU IN FRONT OF ME, VENTED AWAY, AND I REPORTED IT ONLY FOR SUGA TO ACCUSE ME FIRST BC HE WAS ALSO THERE APPARENTLY
Kageyama: yeah sorry I didnt see u there
Kageyama: but fr i jumped into the vent and didnt know where to go
Shirabu: Out of the 8 of us crewmates suga killed like 4 ppl wtf
Shirabu: like when we were doing o2, he was there first and I f*ckING THOUGHt he was helping BUT NO HE SNAPS MY NECK AND THEN RUNS AWAY
Suga: \\(*^^*)//
Oikawa: how did NO ONE suspect him
Semi: I mean u were acting sus a lot oikawa
Futakuchi: lovin the one part where kageyama asked “how u vent like light blu did” and wE ALL VOTED OIKAWA
Oikawa: TOBIO CHAN OMG I HATE U
Kageyama: :))
Kenma: I thought it was akaashi again so I tailed him then when lights were out and kageyama snapped my neck
Kageyama: I didn't mean to
Kenma: yes u absolutely did
Kenma: and by the time lights were back on kageyama was GONE and u guys all thought it was akaashi bc he was standing over my dead body
Yahaba: I'm impressed that both imposters stayed alive tho
Futakuchi: lmao so suga killed me, semi, shirabu, and yahaba?
Kenma: yeah and kageyama killed me and atsumu
Oikawa: both me and pretty owl chan were falsely accused and ejected Ó╭╮Ò
Atsumu: yer too good
Kageyama: no u guys just suck
Suga: ^^^
1:17 AM
Shirabu: fml I forgot I have literature hw due tmrw
Shirabu: I FORGOT TO DO THE ENTIRE ESSAY
Kenma: well if that isn’t a mood
Yahaba: FML WE WERE PLAYING AMONG US FOR SO LONG I FORGOT MY MATH HW
Kageyama: lol sucks to be u two
Shirabu: fml i hate hw
Yahaba: yeah we’re high schoolers tho we all hate hw
Yahaba: but fr I'm gonna need to pull an all nighter for this ugh I completely forgot it
Kenma: idk how kuroo is such a nerd
Kenma: and it's like,,, oddly sexy
Kenma: like he was scolding me for not eating breakfast and then he started talking all sciencey about how I need protein to build enzymes and bind w substrates or smth it was rlly hot
Yahaba: …
Shirabu: …
Akaashi: I present to u guys 1 AM thirsty kenma
Shirabu: he wasnt like this the other night
Akaashi: well rn his new game is still installing and when he isn't gaming all he thinks about is kuroo
Yahaba: so ur saying that every other time we were talking to him he was normal bc he was gaming?
Akaashi: yeah
Kageyama: r all city people like that
Kenma: u know what shines brighter than the night city lights?
Yahaba: ,,, uh no
Kenma: kuroos sweat after a long game
Shirabu: can I plz bleach my eyes
Kageyama: I thought kenma was normal tho
Akaashi: no one is normal
Yahaba: yeah I see that now
3:47 AM
Kenma has deleted 5 messages
Yahaba: wot
Kageyama: I can't see the messages he sent now
Shirabu: well that's cuz HE DELETED THEM
Akaashi: I have screenshots tho
Kenma: you delete those right now
Akaashi: I do not see
6:52 AM
Oikawa: IT IS CURRENTLY 6 52 IN THE MORN AND JUST NOW IN THE MIDDLE OF EARLY PRACTICE YAHABA TOLD MAD DOG CHAN THAT “ I love u but can u not rn” BECAUSE HE ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKED INTO HIM AND HE WAS SHOUTING AND NOW FHLAI:SJdRKJSDLF;KA’FG
Suga: oop-
Shirabu: hAH
Yahaba: NO THAT NEVER HAPPENED
Futakuchi: y do i feel like ur lying
Yahaba: i wanna die WELP GONNA DIE IWAIZUMI SAN IS COMIN OVER BYE
Oikawa: hi this is iwaizumi sry for all the trouble this sh*thead has caused but he’s 100% right yahaba did happen now we need to go practice so he’ll ttyl
Shirabu: hah yahaba’s got guts
Futakuchi: lmfao good luck to seijoh’s disaster setters
Suga: i wanna say i feel bad but i started laughing and now daichi looks mad byEee y’all
12:23 PM
Kageyama: idk how much u guys care about this topic but sakusa san and atsumu are actually getting along in the the nationals gc right now
Yahaba: I am genuinely surprised
Semi: how what when where why?
Kageyama: …
Kageyama: I was mistaken. it was Komori san texting from Sakusa san’s phone
Oikawa: BWAHAHa
Akaash: who exactly is in that group chat
Kageyama: me, atsumu, komori and sakusa san, and hoshiumi san
Suga: didnt u and sakusa start off on a bad start? I feel like u told us at practice that one time…
Atsumu: lmfao yea tobio kun called him “normal” or smth i wasn’t there to witness it but komori laughs bout it a lot
Semi: yikes u called one of the top spikers in japan normal?
Kageyama: i make a lot of poor choices
Kageyama: we're kinda okay now though
Atsumu: at least he talks to ya
Semi: f in the chat for poor atsumu
Shirabu: nah
Futakuchi: ^^
Oikawa: atsumu doesn't deserve our pity ୧( ಠ Д ಠ )୨
Akaashi: says the one in love w his childhood friend
Suga: oh yipes that's gotta hurt
Oikawa: loTs oF pEoPLe faLL iN LoVe wiTh thEiR chiLdHoOd fRieNd tho
Futakuchi: to be fair none of them are as disastrous as u
Suga: just realized that Yahaba hasn't been on since morning?
Oikawa: OMG THAT'S WHAT I WAS GONNA TELL U GUYS
Shirabu: wtf?
Futakuchi: ??
Kageyama: [•.•ิ]
Oikawa: YAHABA DRAGGED MAD DOG CHAN TO THE FAR BUILDING SIDE AFTER PRACTICE AND I HAVEN'T SEEN THEM SINCE
Semi: who would've thunk yahaba was a top?
Shirabu: not me
Akaashi: or he’s a brat but we’ll never know
Oikawa: , , , o k i j u s t s aw t h e m a g a i n and th e y’re GASP! HOLDING HANDS
Suga: aw that’s cute
Oikawa: yahaba channn when u read this consider it revenge for all the times u exposed me tyyy
2:41 PM
Yahaba:...
Yahaba: should i be surprised
Kenma: its the dumbass grand king u shouldn’t be
Notes:
me here lowkey running out of ideas HeLpPPpp I'm so tired,,,(◕︿◕✿)(◕︿◕✿) only by blasting this miku video on loop can I survive my zoom classes I swear
thx for reading!
Chapter 5
Summary:
people get kicked and children are terrifying ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Notes:
sorry this was late i wanted the chapter up by yesterday but welp life had other plans,,,also bc among us has been taking over my life (if u see a random yellow spaceboi named ppnation or lemonchild w the lil plant stem it's me)
please enjoy :))
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
9:32 PM
Astumu: Oikawa can i just say
Atsumu: i literally voted for u not even bc i knew it was you
Atsumu: i hate how good my instincts are
Atsumu: BC THEN U KILLED ME
Atsumu: BC YA KNEW THAT I KNEW
Atsumu: OIKAWA
Atsumu: I LEGIT MY INSTINCTS
Atsumu: MY GUT FEELS
Atsumu: MY BUTT VIBES
Atsumu: THEY KNOW TOO MUCH
Atsumu: I HATE EBERYTHIN
Oikawa: LMAO
Oikawa: that’s what you get~~
Atsumu: U SUC
Oikawa: only on saturdays :P
9:56 PM
Oikawa: TSUMU CHAN I HATE YOU SO MUCH
Oikawa: I'm haunting your ass so hard
Oikawa: my ghost is UP your ass dude
Oikawa: Its farther up your ass than stalins hand was in Hitler
Oikawa: "Finish your tasks"
Oikawa: I'm gonna kick your ass so hard dude
Atsumu: HAHAHA
Semi: lmfao do you guys not have a private chat
Oikawa: i’m too lazy to private when this chat is clearly available
Oikawa: BUT U GOT CAUGHT ANYWAYS TSUMU CHAN IN UR FACE
Atsumu: i just wanted to kill ya it don’t matter if i get caught
Oikawa: biTCH
Futakuchi: do you two just play among us by yourselves or smth
Atsumu: nah we play w strangers online
Oikawa: tis very fun :DD
8:41 AM
Semi: unpopular opinions go
Akaashi: bokuto is number one spiker
Atsumu: wHAT
Akaashi: did i f*cking stutter
Atsumu: fine mine is gonna be that akaashi is secretly a serial killer or smth
Kenma: to be fair ur probly right
Kenma: also unpopular opinion is middle blockers are the best
Osamu: can support ^^
Oikawa: the spider from james and the giant peach was hot
Suga: excuse me what
Futakuchi: lmfao wtf??
Semi: oikawa has some wild takes but my take is that teNDOU NEEDS TO CONFESS PROPERLY
Shirabu: f*cking hell ur right
Akaashi: context?
Semi: they're both literal monsters and ushijima is kinda a brick ngl so tendou needs to confess
Suga: tendou like the red haired blocker?
Shirabu: that's the bitch
Oikawa: wait someone actually likes ushijima
Oikawa: I cannot believe this blasphemy
Shirabu: i mean ushijima is the only one who’ll put up w tendou
Semi: tis a mystery how
3:42 PM
Shirabu: I just got landed in cleaning duty
Yahaba: hah u suck
Shirabu: twas the middle of class and I bullsh*tted a whole story to cover for my UNFINISHED ESSAY THAT WAS DUE TODAY NOT YESTERDAY
Kageyama: what story did u come up with
Futakuchi: and why did it fail so badly
Shirabu: my family have an annual conference where they dunk all the ppl under the age of 18 into a pool and whoever makes it out first has rights and I unfortunately did not make it out bc my younger cousins sabotaged me and I was left all alone in the pool until I finally woke up and it was time for school and my essay was not finished
Shirabu: she then questioned why my hair wasn't wet
Shirabu: and I asked her if she was so old she didn't know about the existence of hairdryers
Futakuchi: LMFAOOO
Shirabu: landed in cleaning duty by myself fml I can't even go to practice
Kenma: wow can't relate
Suga: ^^
Atsumu: m playin among us w my teammates bc our captain needed to step out AND MY DUM TWIN MURKED ME
Atsumu: HE LOCKED ME IN THE MEDBAY, KILLED ME, THEN VENTED AWAY
Akaashi: I'm assuming you deserved it
Atsumu: hi this is miya osamu I can confirm he did in fact deserve it
Oikawa: ur the better looking twin right
Atsumu added Osamu to the chat
Osamu: I am the better lookin twin yea
Kenma: the one without the pisscolored hair right
Osamu: Mhm
Semi: you're also like,,, mildly sane right
Osamu: some say I took all the brain cells in the womb
Atsumu: some being yer asshole of a boyfriend sunarin
Osamu: he's better than u tho
Atsumu: 🖕🖕I hate ya
Osamu: the feelins mutual
Shirabu: wait u just killed atsumu in among us right
Osamu: yea?
Shirabu: we're keeping you
Atsumu: scuse me?
Osamu: you've been excused ya degenerate
Futakuchi: hallelujah let's kick atsumu and keep this one i like him
Atsumu: WTF WHATR YA ON
Futakuchi: all in agreement say aye
Kenma: aye
Yahaba: aye
Shirabu: aye
Kageyama: aye
Suga: aye
Osamu: aye
Semi: aye
Akaashi: please
Oikawa: bye bye tsumu chan!!
Futakuchi has removed Atsumu from the chat
Oikawa: good riddance haha
Suga: yeah on that note I'm still curious why do u think the spider is hot?
Oikawa: SHE WEARS A BERET
Suga: ok and??
Oikawa: I LIKE WHAT I LIKE OKAY???
Osamu: lmao u seem like more of a disaster than tsumu is
Suga: yikes that is not a compliment
Kageyama: usually I'd agree but nothing beats atsumu trying to flirt with sakusa san
Futakuchi: from pingu to aliens to a f*cking spider from james and the giant peach
Akaashi: when will wonders ever cease
Semi: okay but I just looked up the spider and ngl I see where he's coming from but also…it's a spider
Semi: spider
Oikawa: SHE’S ALSO FRENCH AND LONELY AND NEEDS FRIENDS WHO ARENT SCARED OF HER
Yahaba: yikes sounds like ur describing urself but ur not french
Shirabu: she's got some nice boots tho
Oikawa: them heels are hot i love her sm
Kenma: I've seen akaashi pull off taller
Akaashi: what
Suga: what
Semi: what
Kageyama: what
Osamu: scuse me could ya repeat that
Kenma: akaashi has pulled off taller
Akaashi: when where how
Kenma: u can't fool me kuroo has pictures
Akaashi: fml
Suga: context? Please?
Kenma: maid cafe at f*ckurodanis school festival and akaashi had to wear heels w the costume
Akaashi: the heels werent too bad tbh
Oikawa: I probly could've worn them better!!
Yahaba: lmfao what a lie
Yahaba: he tried on heels once bc we were playing truth or dare after practice and immediately fell over and screamed so loudly but then
Oikawa: NO NO DON'T TELL THEM
Semi: please tell us
Akaashi: ^^
Suga: ^^
Kenma: ^^
Yahaba: so there was a big dog nearby and when he fell over and screamed the dog came running and I have never seen oikawa so scared as he tried to evade the dog in heels
Yahaba: (and then the dog rammed into him and he face planted)
Futakuchi: LMFAO NICE
Oikawa: I DID NOT FACE PLANT
Kageyama: I take it back oikawa san is more disastrous than atsumu
Osamu: u northerners are wack
Shirabu: says the one w the weird accent
Osamu: at least m not tsumu
Futakuchi: that is valid
Semi: when shirabu was a child he tripped over rocks at the beach and face planted into the rocks so oikawa ur not alone
Shirabu: I DID NOT GIVE CONSENT FOR U TO SHARE THAT
Osamu: tsumu used to dig up the lawn and look for ants to eat
Futakuchi: AHAHA
Kenma: can’t say im surprised
Akaashi: that explains the lack of braincells
Oikawa: pretty owl chan i have no idea who ur talking about rn but honestly valid
Suga: childhood stories are the best
Futakuchi: facts tho ^^
7:10 PM
Yahaba: tbh kinda miss making fun of atsumu to his face
Kageyama: should we add him back?
Oikawa: it’s barely been a day wdym
Yahaba: honestly we should kick u too and add in iwaizumi san
Kageyama: I support ^^
Suga: me too ヾ(^-^)ノ
Futakuchi: I think our answers are self explanatory
Oikawa: WAIT WHAT NO DON'T KICK ME PLZ
Suga: bye bye 👋
Oikawa: MR REFRESHING KUN WTF
Yahaba has removed Oikawa from the chat
Yahaba has added Iwaizumi to the chat
Iwaizumi: wait why what
Kageyama: hi Iwaizumi san
Iwaizumi: uh hi kageyama can someone explain to me y oikawa just sent yahaba to do laps for the rest of practice
Semi: scroll up
Iwaizumi: …oh i see
Iwaizumi: would love to stay and talk but I'm in like 5 other chats w lots of people so can u guys please remove me thank you
Suga: yeah np
Semi: nice talk
Semi has removed Iwaizumi from the chat
Futakuchi: on that note should we add atsumu back
Akaashi: is that rlly a good choice though
Suga: admittedly no
Shirabu: but it was fun making fun of him
Yahaba: that is valid
Kageyama: please add him back he won’t stop spamming me w messages
Osamu: he won’t stop yellin at me either
Osamu: I’ll just add him
Osamu has added Atsumu to the chat
Atsumu: all of ya are worse than that dumbass horny clown
Atsumu: BUT ALSO NEWS
Kageyama: is it about sakusa san
Atsumu: YEA
Atsumu: wait how’d ya know
Kageyama: bc komori san was telling me and hoshiumi san that sakusa san finally unblocked you fr
Suga: I’m kind of amazed
Futakuchi: congrats?
Akaashi: did sakusa get kidnapped or smth bc the real one would never do that
Osamu: yeah why would he willingly put up with this asshole
Atsumu: tHIS ASSHOLE WAS W YA IN THE WOMB
Osamu: shoulda killed ya in the womb too
Shirabu: that wouldve been greatly appreciated
Yahaba: a bit too late for that lmao
Kageyama: I just saw a llama
Suga: what?
Semi: ??
Futakuchi: a llama in miyagi?? That shouldnt be a thing
Kenma: a llama in japan shouldnt be a thing altogether
Kageyama: apologies hinata has just informed me that it isn’t a llama it’s a dog
Akaashi: do you need glasses too?
Kageyama: um hoping not
Kageyama: it might’ve been because Hinata’s sister just threw the volleyball at my head rlly hard
Kageyama: didn’t know little kids were strong
Kenma: hah
Yahaba: little kids are terrifying
Suga: uh how?
Osamu: when we were in junior high tsumu was bullied by an 8 yr old in the neighborhood
Atsumu: HE LITERALLY TRIED TO PUNCH ME WHEN I WAS MINDIN MY OWN BUSINESS
Atsumu: and he played f*ckin baseball
Atsumu: so when we played volleyball
Atsumu: he would chase me around the yard and try to chuck it at me full speed
Osamu: i’d laugh but i went through the same treatment a week later so
Yahaba: there was a little kid in my neighborhood with a pet bird and it listened to her and whenever someone she saw someone she didnt like SHE’D TELL THE BIRD “SIC EM” AND THEN THE BIRD WOULD ATTACK THEM
Futakuchi: were u attacked??
Yahaba: YES I f*ckING WAS
Shirabu: hah u suck
Yahaba: DO U KNOW HOW SCARY BIRDS CAN BE
Shirabu: birds aren’t scary
Yahaba: shirabu I will bust ur kneecaps using a bird
Semi: please go ahead
Shirabu: better start busting bitch
Notes:
idk how I feel about this chapter but I'm also working on another fic right now too so mayhaps that'll come out soon? (probably not anytime soon but I'm really excited for it sooooo)
thx for reading!
Chapter 6
Summary:
Bees.
and hyenas.
That's it that's the chapter.
(and our favorite king comes back too dw everyone)
Notes:
Because Atsumu deadass looks like Barry B Benson and I cannot. (when I'm on my laptop and I click the link to the picture it fills up my whole screen and I wanna cry)
please enjoy :))
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
1:46 AM
Atsumu: ok what does my twin have that’s better than me
Osamu: for one, I can cook
Osamu: two, i dont have yer ugly pissed colored hair
Osamu: and three, ’m not an asshole
Suga: oh yikes
Futakuchi: wait you can cook
Osamu: yea i make lunch for us most days
Semi: what do u usually make
Atsumu: uh food?
Osamu: usually bentos
Osamu: sometimes onigiri
Atsumu: the onigiri is probably the best
Akaashi: plz marry me
Kenma: lmfao akaashi u onigiri simp
Osamu: i’ll marry you platonically for the tax benefits
Akaashi: I demand one onigiri a meal every day
Osamu: deal
Akaashi: 💛💛💛
Osamu: 💛💛💛
Akaashi: time to move to hyogo :))
Atsumu: 'm tellin yer boyfriend that ya got married
Osamu: go ahead (´。_。`) lmao
Kenma: akaashi r u doing this bc bokuto cant make rice
Akaashi: exactly
Akaashi: I need my onigiri
Akaashi: if that means I need to be a side hoe then so be it
Futakuchi: honestly valid
Yahaba: better an onigiri obsession than a milk bread one
Suga: hah that was on TV wasn't it
Yahaba: "Oikawa Tooru's favorite food is milk bread, his personal motto is 'if you're gonna hit it, then hit it til it breaks' "
Shirabu: oikawa is a basic bitch
Semi: we all been knew
Atsumu: wait where'd oikawa even go
Yahaba: we kicked him when u were kicked
Atsumu: r ya gonna add him back?
Semi: not as of rn I hope
Suga: yeah nope
Yahaba: I'm not adding him back but he just sent me a picture and I need to show it to u guys bc it's hilarious
Yahaba: picture
Atsumu:,,,
Osamu: LMFAO HAH
Futakuchi: AKGKSJHGS IT FITS SO WELL
Shirabu: ofc he looks like the f*cking bee
Suga: I'm slightly horrified but that's so funny I can't
Kenma: sucks to look bee a bee man
Akaashi: atsumu giving strong bee vibes over here and no one can relate
Semi: does that make him barry b benson
Futakuchi: atsubee??? lmao
Atsumu: bruh i sound like a konbini appliance wth
Oikawa: he's a BEEEE
Yahaba: Lmaooo astubee the bee boi
Atsumu: I literally hate y'all sm
Kageyama: I'm gonna send it to the nationals gc
Atsumu: TOBIO KUN DON'T YA DARE
Kageyama: (。・ω・。)
NATIONALS BOIS LET'S GO 三三ᕕ(ᐛ)ᕗ
1:57 AM
Kageyama: picture
Kageyama: miya astubee the bee boi confirmed
Atsumu: TOBIO KUN STOP
Hoshiumi: BWAHAHAHAHAHA ATSUMU THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE
Hoshiumi: U ARE THE BEE
Komori: oml that's hilarious Barry's face fits so well
Sakusa: I want bleach
Atsumu: I want to be buried alive
Komori: don't you mean you want to bee buried alive?
Hoshiumi: BEELIEVE U CAN DO IT
Kageyama: don't bee sad that ur a bee
Atsumu: ISTG I WILL KILL ALL A Y'ALL
Sakusa: in ur dreams u disgusting bee
Hoshiumi: buzz buzz bitches BZzzZZzzZZzzz
Kageyama: 🐝🐝🐝 bee boi atsumu lol
Komori: Atsumu hitting on someone like "Hey baybee ya like jazz?"
Atsumu: S T O P
Sakusa: this is what you get for having piss colored hair
Atsumu: MY HAIR LOOKS FINE
Komori: it really don't
Kageyama: ^^
Hoshiumi: ^^^^ sry to break it to you but it sucks man
Sakusa: ur hair is only second to ur personality
Sakusa: both are horrendous
Atsumu: OH JEE THX OMI KUN
Sakusa: don't call me that
Komori: (keep calling him that hehe ( ̄∇ ̄))
Sakusa: komori u might be family but that doesn't mean I won't kill u
Komori: just trying to be of help (o´・Υ・)ノ・
Komori: (also go ahead and try)
The Pretty Setters + Futakuchi and mayhaps others
2:08 AM
Futakuchi: what's happening over on the nationals side?
Kageyama: we're making fun of Atsumu
Osamu: all is well w the world when ppl make fun of Atsumu
Kageyama: and now we're back to atsumu calling sakusa san "Omi kun" and komori san encouraging it
Atsumu: komori is the only bitch I can trust in this world
Kageyama: ,,, didn't he call u bee boi atsumu?
Atsumu: don't matter he's helpin me win over omi kun
Akaashi: good luck doing that
Semi: I thought sakusa had a thing for ushijima? Or was that just me
Atsumu: wot
Shirabu: no that was definitely a thing
Shirabu: at one point at least
Atsumu: wOT
Semi: he gave up tho I thought? Ushijima rejected him right?
Atsumu: WHAT
Shirabu: yeah that happened
Kageyama: oh yeah komori san told me about that the other day
Akaashi: from what I heard it was last year though
Semi: yeah it was a while back sakusa has definitely
moved on
Atsumu: okay thats good
Osamu: yeah but doesn't sakusa san like things to be clean or smth
Osamu: ur a f*ckin mess tsumu
Atsumu: I.
Atsumu: AM NOT.
Atsumu: A MESS
Kageyama: that's a lie
Atsumu: what
Kageyama: ur room at the training camp was probly second messiest after hoshiumi san
Osamu: I don't touch yer side of our bedroom for a reason
Atsumu: M TRYIN MY BEST
Kageyama: don't you mean your BEEST
Atsumu: STFU TOBIO KUN
7:01 AM
Yahaba: OK A Y I NEED TO ADD OIKAWA BACK OR HE'LL MAKE ME RUN LAPS FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK
Shirabu: weak
Shirabu: can't even sacrifice a week of laps for our sanities?
Yahaba: I care more about my well being then ur brains u bitch
Suga: that's honestly valid
Yahaba: sry for ur sanities everyone
Yahaba has added Oikawa to the chat
Oikawa: DID U GUYS MISS ME
Kenma: no
Futakuchi: ngl kinda
Futakuchi: u provided funny material
Semi: otherwise no tho
Suga: ^^
Yahaba: also I am officially not single anymore just thought y'all should know :))
Oikawa: yeah btw they're terrible yahaba has mad dog chan wrapped around his finger
Oikawa: I was minding my own business
Suga: as you never do
Oikawa: Mr refreshing kun you know me so well
Oikawa: anyways I wasn't minding my own business but tHEN I SAW MAD DOG CHAN GIVE YAHABA A FOREHEAD KISS
Oikawa: I was horrified
Oikawa: it was too much for my heart to handle ಥ‿ಥ ಥ‿ಥ
Akaashi: take that adorable relationship and give it an award bc he's the only setter to get his sh*t together
Kenma: ^^unfortunately ur right
Futakuchi: ayo yahaba welcome to the club
Yahaba: ty for taking me in I love it here already
Atsumu: stOP FLEXIN
Yahaba: u jealous?
Oikawa: I know I am bc u two r too cute and I want forehead kisses too
Oikawa: (´;ω;`)
Yahaba: ask iwaizumi san for some
Oikawa: I TURNED TO HIM TO ASK AND I DIDN'T EVEN OPEN MY MOUTH WHEN HE SAID NO AND CALLED ME sh*tTYKAWA
Suga: yikes that's gotta hurt
Kageyama: suga san u should ask daichi san for some too he'd give them
Suga: haha what nooOoOooO
Kenma: yeah that's a mood
Akaashi: ^^
Osamu: lmfao tsumu just asked our captain if he could spare a bit of affection and kita kun looked him dead in the eyes and said “in yer dreams”
Atsumu: I THOUGHT KITA KUN WOULD BE NICE TO ME
Osamu: ya thought wrong
Osamu: ya dumb
Shirabu: ur officially my new favorite person on this chat
Semi: wtf am i dirt or smth
Shirabu: yes
Shirabu: yes u r
Semi: wonderful
Semi: expect to die at practice this afternoon
Semi: bitch
Yahaba: how i wish i could say that to oikawa
Oikawa: OH WOW.
Oikawa: WOW
Oikawa: MY PRECIOUS KOUHAI
Oikawa: WOW
Yahaba: I was never ur precious anything what
Oikawa: everyone’s betraying me T-T
Oikawa: my best friend
Oikawa: my kouhai
Oikawa: what have I done to deserve this
Suga: i don’t think u want us to answer that :P
Kageyama: ^^^^
Futakuchi: ^^^^ mhm facts
6:42 PM
Futakuchi: ayo guys what’re your patronuses
Akasshi: i’m willing to bet atsumu’s is a stinky lil skunk
Osamu: yer pretty close he got a mole
Oikawa: HAH HOW
Semi: his personality is pretty similar tbh
Shirabu: nosy and digs for clout
Atsumu: okay but yer right
Suga: aren’t moles like garden ruiners
Yahaba: lmao yeah
Futakuchi: moles also kinda uggy ngl
Osamu: no wonder tsumu got a mole
Atsumu: I AM NOT UGGY
Atsumu: im adorable :DD
Kageyama: most people would say otherwise
Shirabu: yeah ur a rodent
Akaashi: I got a white swan as my patronus the first time
Akaashi: i made a second account and got a heron but thats the same as the author and i cant rlly vibe w her rn
Oikawa: ofc pretty owl chan gets the elegant looking birds
Suga: I got a lioness :))
Suga: ugh yeah im kinda ignoring she exists
Suga: love the books not the author?
Akaashi: ^^
Oikawa: why am i also not surprised mr refreshing kun got a lioness
Suga: bc im the best obviously
Kageyama: i just took it
Kageyama: what’s a thestral
Oikawa: WAIT U GOT A THESTRAL WOT
Futakuchi: wow that’s one of the rarest ones
Suga: ur a special child kageyama
Kageyama: it looks kinda scary
Yahaba: aren’t thestrals also like,,,bad omens
Kageyama: yikes okay
Atsumu: tobio kun at least ya didn’t get a mole
Semi: he’s right it could be a lot worse
Shirabu: I think i got a hyena
Yahaba: LMAO THAT SOUNDS LIKE YOU YEP
Shirabu: HYENAS ARE COOL WHY’RE U LAUGHING
Kenma: kuroo laughs like a hyena
Akaashi: it’s a bit horrifying to be frank
Akaashi: here’s a video of him laughing: 10 hour loop
Osamu: why is it 10 hours long
Kenma: taketora put it on loop
Akaashi: u mean you put it on loop
Akaashi: kenma he might’ve taken the vid but u were the one who sent me the 10 hr ver
Kenma: u shut it
Oikawa: MREAHAHAHAHAHA
Akaashi: sTop
Notes:
I listened to the 10 hr video of kuroo laughing while typing this. 'M dying. Tis the life.
I would just like to say that my fav setters are Oikawa and Atsumu and this fic is just my fulfilling my urge to bully them because I love them too much not to. (Oikawa was my ult fave for the longest time but Atsumu is slowing climbing the ranks the more sakuastu fics I read so wELP)
thx for reading :))
***EDIT BECAUSE I REMEMBERED THAT THE NEW EPISODES ARE COMING OUT ON FRIDAY!! COUNTDOWN STARTING LET'S GOOOOOO
Chapter 7
Summary:
lol what's a summary
Notes:
i'M CURRENTLY WATCHING THE NEW EPISODE AS I WORK ON THIS FIC AND OMG NO SPOILERS BUT I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE THE BOIS BACK AND READY TO GOOOOooooOOOO ALSO THE OPENING IS BOMB TOO?? (if u wanna hmu and talk about haikyuu and/or play among us my discord is somiahu#1438 plz friend me I need more friends and my twitter is also somiahu)
please enjoy and make sure to watch the new episodes!!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
10:37 PM
Osamu: if tsumu asks if ya wanna see cursed images tell him no
Yahaba: uh why
Atsumu: image
Atsumu:image
Osamu: NO STOP WTF
Suga: oml what the hell
Shirabu: what the actual f*ck
Akaashi: .
Kenma: ..
Kageyama: im scared
Futakuchi: I think we all are
Semi: ^^
Oikawa: AHAHAHAA
Atsumu: my saved pictures are the best y’all
Suga: why do u even have those saved
Atsumu: y don’t u have them saved?
Yahaba: my eyes have been scarred for life
Yahaba: I will never see thomas the train the same again
Kageyama: ^^ we need bleach
Osamu: sry i couldnt stop him
Akaashi: it’s alright we’re still alive
Shirabu: no we’re f*ckinG NOT
Shirabu: my brain just about lost all my brain cells seeing that
Oikawa: oml tsumu chan where’d u find the images I want some
Atsumu: lmao google. Look up cursed images and pick a topic
Oikawa: ty very much (>‿◠)✌
Futakuchi: jesus christ why
Suga: noOOoOOooooo stop why are you two like this??
Oikawa: ( ͡❛ ‿‿ ͡❛) i will send all the cursed images for u all to see
Yahaba: Oikawa i will show everything u send to iwaizumi san tmrw morning at practice
Oikawa: WAI T NO
Yahaba: that’s what i thought
Oikawa: O﹏o ⊙_☉
Oikawa: why am i being blackmailed ಥ_ಥ ಥ_ಥ
Kenma: the real question is why r u like this
Futakuchi: ^
Shirabu: ^^^^^^
Oikawa: nooooo don’t do this to me (╥﹏╥)
Akaashi: that’s what u get
Kenma: oh yeah that reminds me
Kenma: the other day akaashi confessed
Kenma: to a tree
Akaashi: who the f*ck told you that
Suga: ^^ language
Akaashi: sry
Akaashi: whomst the f*ck told you that
Kenma: kuroo has a video. And we were all there anyways
Futakuchi: lmao what
Osamu: akaashi what i thought u were married to me
Atsumu: guess he thought the tree was better
Osamu: guess ‘m gonna take yer phone and tell sakusa san that yer in love w him
Atsumu: DON’T DO THAT
Osamu: that’s what i thought
Oikawa: uh back to pretty owl chan
Oikawa: how drunk were you?
Akaashi: i was not drunk
Kenma: ^^ he’s telling the truth he wasn’t drunk
Akaashi: it was a dare
Futakuchi: who would come up w a dare to confess to a tree tho
Kenma: no actually kuroo dared him to confess to who he liked most in our group
Akaashi: i picked the tree
Akaashi: the tree is the only bitch i can trust in this house
Futakuchi: lmao real smooth
Akaashi: it was either that or confess to bokuto and im not about to do that
Kenma: he stares at u w googly eyes what
Akaashi: no he doesn't.
Kenma: ur a blind hoe
Akaashi: no u with ur bitch of a childhood friend that's so obviously staring at you with heart eyes or wtvr
Kenma: I'll stab you 💛
Akaashi: f*cking try me 💛
Kenma: b l i n d
Akaashi: I'll run u over w a bulldozer :))
Kenma: I'd like to see u try :))
Futakuchi: (every time these two get in an argument idk what to say)
Kageyama: (^yeah same)
Yahaba: (and it’s like. Very high tension)
Semi: (the tension is too high idk when or where to talk)
Osamu: (how often does this happen?)
Suga: (every couple of days)
Shirabu: (admittedly not fun)
Futakuchi: (almost 100% it's bc they need to channel their frustrations and it's not like they can vent to their crushes about liking them or smth)
Semi: (but like also it goes from 0 to 100 rlly quick)
Suga: (they're both pretty touchy bout their crushes I think)
Osamu: (ah I see)
Yahaba: (city folk are scary)
Kageyama: (^^^^^ I agree)
Akaashi: again, typing in parentheses doesn't mean we can't see it
Yahaba: (yeah but we're whispering so u cant hear us anyways)
Kenma: …
Kenma: I've got no words for this
Futakuchi: trying to use the parentheses to hide our words, never?
Kageyama: i dont think we’ve done that before
Akaashi: ...
Shirabu: oh yeah we’d never do that
Yahaba: shirabu would tell it to ur faces bc he’s a lil salty child
Semi: ^^
Shirabu: oh fck off won’t u
Yahaba: i am always willing to flex that i am older than you
Shirabu: BY BARELY A MONTH?
Yahaba: (~‾⌣‾)~
Oikawa: HAHA TSUMU CHAN U JUST GOT CAUGHT THAT'S WHAT U GET
Semi: what
Futakuchi: wot
Osamu: they're playin among us w strangers
Osamu: tsumu just swore vry loudly so I'm assumin they caught him
Atsumu: THEY SAW ME KILL ON CAMS FML
Oikawa: tsk tsk tsumu chan u should know better
Kageyama: yeah why would u kill when there's a camera around
Atsumu: I forgot the cameras were a thing
Shirabu: can't say I'm surprised
Akaashi: ^^ I don't think any of us can
Semi: why r u two always playing among us together but w strangers
Oikawa: it's easier to kill each other if you guys arent there to detective us out
Oikawa: and we always kill each other first if we're the imposter
Atsumu: so if we were playin w u guys then y'all immediately catch on
Oikawa: tis no rocket science
Atsumu: some of the lobbies r rlly f*ckin funny tho
Oikawa: omg yeah we were in one lobby where there was someone w like a pregnant kink or smth
Shirabu: the f*ck
Semi: langwj
Shirabu: *excuse me the f*ck?
Futakuchi: what kind of people,,,?
Kenma: can't say I'm surprised u two were the ones to meet them
Atsumu: orange kept askin what it'd be like have sex with someone pregnant
Oikawa: the dude was wack as heck
Oikawa: he kept asking for info and then u flat out told him to go read ABO fics
Atsumu: lmfao that was hilarious
Kageyama: what's an abo fic
Suga: dw about it kageyama
Yahaba: sry pal ur too young
Kageyama: (;へ:)
Osamu: it'd honestly be best for ya not to know
Akaashi: back to the dude w the pregnant kink tho
Akaashi: wtf???
Atsumu: well he’s claiming he doesnt have a kink for pregnant women but. His questions mean otherwise.
Yahaba: that sounds rlly f*cking wack
Suga: yeah wait what is that logic
Oikawa: thats not as funny as the one purple guy whose name was animeboi tho
Futakuchi: whatd he do?
Oikawa: he kept calling emergency meetings to spam anime references
Oikawa: that was absolutely lit
Atsumu: it was a blast we just kept skippin bc no one could get a word in
Suga: did...no one kick him out?
Oikawa: uh. Well. none of us wanted to
Osamu: bc yer weebs
Atsumu: exactly
Atsumu: BUT I ALSO JUST GOT EJECTED SO HAH HAVE A SABOTAGE
Oikawa: oml the dead chat is cursing u so hard rn
2:47 AM
Kenma: cats deserve rights
Kageyama: what
Yahaba: uh. ???
Shirabu: cats?
Kenma: cats should vote
Kenma: if cats could vote then the world would be a better place
Yahaba: i honestly can’t argue with that
Akaashi: ignore him he’s been checking neko atsume for the past hour obsessively
Kenma: chairman meow knows whats up
Akaashi: he’s also been giving headcanons for the cats
Kageyama: i dont like tubbs much
Kageyama: he always eats the food and then i have to refill the frisky bits all over again
Kenma: ^^ exactly. Tubbs does not deserve rights. He’s probably a pig in a cat costume. Terrible economy
Yahaba:... am i the only one genuinely confused
Akaashi: admittedly im lost as well
Shirabu: they’re cats. In a game. What
Kenma: all cats except for tubbs deserve rights
Kageyama: #killtubbs2k20
Kenma: Kageyama i disliked u at first but anyone who supports the KIll Tubbs movement is a friend
Kageyama: no hard feelings
Notes:
fun fact: my younger brother's fave characters are Bokuto and Hoshiumi (and pretty much everyone in the monster gen but those two are his favorites by far)
have a great day and thx for reading!
Chapter 8
Summary:
how much do you know about figs
Notes:
ahjkjlsdlssalds covidiots at my school went to a party last weekend and now school is closed for two weeks and i have to zoom yayay wow what fun.
(Newest episode is also exceptional, Yams gets to serve!! At the end of the episode!! m so happy!!)
please enjoy lol :))
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
9:46 PM
Futakuchi: does anyone want to take my survey
Yahaba: Absolutely
Akaashi: I'll probably regret it
Shirabu: there's nothing better to do rn
Kageyama: surgery for what
Kageyama: But sure
Yahaba: WHAT
Futakuchi: LMAO
Futakuchi: SURGERY
Akaashi: what
Kageyama: survey*
Kageyama: oops
Shirabu: what is wrong with all of you
Yahaba: AHAHA
Semi: Futakuchi I'll take your surgery
Futakuchi: oh its just a random surgery for fun
Oikawa: Lit
Oikawa: i’m down
Futakuchi: i need to finish making it tho give me
Futakuchi: like 5 minutes
Kenma: i'll take it too
Kenma: it better be interesting
Futakuchi: here's the surgery: link it's not really a survey
Futakuchi: it's kinda a quiz
Yahaba: Alrightyy
Oikawa: very nice surgery i approve
Futakuchi: ty very much
Akaashi: i did it
Futakuchi: AKAASHI WERE U THE ONE WHO SAID GRASS
Akaashi: yes
Kenma: grass is vry tasty
Shirabu: wtf??
Oikawa: AHAHA
Futakuchi: extra points for creativity for sure
Futakuchi:WHO ANSWERED THAT TAPEWORMS WERE GOOD
Futakuchi: SOMEONE ANSWERED THAT TAPEWORMS WERE GOOD FOR PPL
Kenma: akaashi it was you wasn't it
Futakuchi: to the two ppl who said that do do doo song was the last thing you hear before you die, good job
Yahaba: mood
Oikawa: tis d e d
Kageyama: I finished
Yahaba: me too
Semi: ^^
Futakuchi: im very grateful to you three and shirabu for not asnwering that tapeworms were good for ppl
Yahaba: Yeah of course not
Semi: tapeworms are not good for you who said it was??
Shirabu: That's f*cking gross?
Kenma: im like 100% sure akaashi clicked yes on that question
Oikawa: ngl i almost said yes just because
Futakuchi: honestly it would've been funny
Futakuchi: u can submit mutlitple responses tho
Akaashi: yes tape worms are very good
Shirabu:...
Kageyama: uh
Futakuchi: if u wanna see what happens when u select yes
Kageyama: What...what happens
Oikawa: go for it
Futakuchi: nothing bad happens dw
Yahaba: ...sure
Futakuchi: anyone who said that we should ask HOW'S AUSTRALIA can get a cookie :DD
Oikawa: Ayeee
Oikawa: Yoi gotta check up on them sometimes
Akaashi: ikr poor australia
Kenma: Don't be a non believer
Kenma: Believe pigs can fly
Semi: ^^^^
Yahaba: Thank you
Kageyama: I’m playing among us instead of doing my project due at midnight lol
Kenma: We stan procrastination
11:32 PM
Oikawa: What happens if the spider that fell off the wall this morning ends up crawling onto my bed
Oikawa: In the middle of the night
Oikawa: When I'm sleeping
Akaashi: personally i would probably die of fright but idk about you
Futakuchi: I think I'd have the same reaction
Shirabu: Ngl same
Osamu: Spiders are terrifyin
Oikawa: yes i hate them they are so scary
Futakuchi: Scary scary spiders
Yahaba: And co*ckroaches
Yahaba: co*ckroaches are terrifying too
Akaashi: we hate co*ckroaches too of course they’re gross
Oikawa: all bugs are gross but they're going into my dead bug jar so it okay :))
Futakuchi: your w h a t
Oikawa: :))
Yahaba: Do figs...have wasps in them? Do ppl eat figs with wasps in them?
Shirabu: it's like f*cking midnight wtf
Semi: hold up people do what
Yahaba: idk I just read an article talkin about...the wasp content of a fig
Osamu: 'm so confused y
Yahaba: They mention how nutritional insects are
Akaashi: why
Futakuchi: This is awfully disturbing
Oikawa: do people eat the wasps on purpose??? i’m so confused rn
Futakuchi: yeah same ^^
Yahaba: f*ckING HELL FIGS ACTUALLY HAVE DEAD WASPS IN THEM EW EW EW
Yahaba: I'VE EATEN DRIED FIG BEFORE DOES THAT MEAN I'VE EATEN DEAD WASP THIS IS NOT OKAY
Kageyama: I finished my project guys
Shirabu: f*ck no i wasn’t planning on eating any gigs but now i definitely won’t
Kageyama: :D
Semi: Good job kageyama
Akaashi: And only half an hour before the deadline
Akaashi: nice
Futakuchi: ooh nice
Yahaba: BUT FIGS HAVE DEAD WASPS IN THEM I'M SO GROSSED OUT
Yahaba: APPARENTLY BC FIGS AREN'T ACTUALLY FRUIT THEY'R SOME KINDA INVERRTED FLOWER, FEMALE FIG WASPS HAVE TO CRAWL INSIDE TO LAY EGGS AND THEY DIE IN THERE
Semi: that’s so gross
Kageyama: wait so do the eggs end up in there a lot
Yahaba: I THINK??
Semi: are people usually eating wasp eggs when they eat figs that’s fricking nasty
Akaashi: i've eaten dried fig and i didn't know this am genuinely disgusted
Shirabu: Ughhhh this is nasty
Oikawa: i’m so glad i’ve never eaten a fig before rn
Yahaba: You've been spared the pain
Yahaba: Now you know
Kenma: now we know, don't eat figs
Kenma: Or else u might end up eating dead female wasps
Semi: i never will thank you figs have been ruined for me
Akaashi: Figs have been ruined for me too I actually thought grapes were okay wth
Yahaba: Ughhhhhh this is not fun facts
Kageyama: this is the opposite of a fun fact
Oikawa: This is an Awful Fact™
Futakuchi: yes indeéd
Yahaba: This is the kind of info I'd like to learn about in school bc then I wouldnt hAVE EATEN DEAD WASP
Kageyama: yeah this is the kind of important thing i want to know who needs algebra
Shirabu: Who needs algebra when there are thousands of ppl out there who don't know they're eating dead wasp when theyre eating figs
Semi: We should be warned as children about these things??
Akaashi: do they not use pesticides i’m confused about this still
Oikawa: i feel bad for all the people who have unknowingly eaten wasps and their eggs ew
Yahaba: There are pesticides but the problem is that figs need to be fertilized by female wasps in this way
Yahaba: Like it's part of the natural cycle or smth
Futakuchi: bro why do people still eat figs then if there’s probably a wasp this is so weird
Yahaba: The farmers cannnn reduce the number of figs with wasps in them but to continue fig trees and stuff they still need wasps to fertilize them figs
Kenma: that’s interesting but also gross
Semi: I don't think many ppl know about it tbh
Semi: Or maybe it is a common fact
Semi: And ppl just don't care bc they like figs
Yahaba: i had never heard it before i feel like a lot of people would not want to eat wasps
Yahaba: so they probably don’t know
Oikawa: I don't think it's a fact ppl are actively looking out for when they buy figs in the supermarket
Oikawa: Pulls up phone: "oh let's see what dead creatures could possibly be in this fruit thing"
Kenma: yes what insect is in my food
Yahaba: okay fair i don’t generally google what kinds of insects i could be sting by accident
Yahaba: *eating
Akaashi: Idk if I should be thankful to you for teaching me this fact or not bc on one hand at least now I know but on the other hand I could've lived my whole life without the knowledge that I mightve eaten dead wasp
Shirabu: i personally wish i did not know this
Kageyama: Have cute red panda to wipe ur mind of that horrid fact: gif
Yahaba: thank you much appreciated
Akaashi: ^^
Futakuchi: ty very much
Shirabu: im still disgusted but thanks anyway
Oikawa: ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ ᕦ( ᐛ )ᕡ ᐠ( ᐛ )ᐟ ٩( ᐛ )و
Atsumu: I mean I knew that ffact but I still ate fig
Yahaba: Yanno what atsumu I'll bet ur one of those ppl who say that bugs are nutritious
Osamu: ^^ he does think bugs're nutritious
Atsumu: s
Atsumu: shut it
Futakuchi so u guys remember my survey
Kageyama: don't u mean surgery
Futakuchi: yes my surgery
Yahaba: mhm yeah what about it
Futakuchi: for snacks kenma wrote "gluten free pescatarian" and im not sure if he means that he likes to gluten free pescatarian snacks or he likes to eat gluten free pescatarians
Futakuchi: and when i asked he said "you'll never know"
Semi: sounds kinda freaky ngl
Atsumu: cinnamon is spicy dirt
Shirabu: No
Atsumu: kiwis are hairy nuggets
Osamu: No what the f*ck tsumu
Suga: I...what is going on?
Kageyama: Suga san did u know that figs have dead wasps in them
Suga: I've heard that but I don't know if it is true
Oikawa: it's actually true
Oikawa: like i didnt believe it either at first
Yahaba: but then
Yahaba: speculation became fact
Osamu: is it true there are dead wasps in figs?
Osamu: They'r outta the fig before we eat em, or if the figs are female they'r already long dissolved
Futakuchi: YEAH BUT WE'RE STILL EATING WASP REMAINS
Futakuchi: like yes it's dissolved but
Osamu: but they'r dissolved and n't wasp anymore
Akaashi: ^^ okay that makes things a lot better
Oikawa: but still. wasp remains
Semi: to be fair once something dissolves it is no longer what it was
Yahaba: wasp dust
Yahaba: it's wasp dust
Atsumu: people eat grasshoppers yer overreacting lol
Oikawa: WHY DO PP EAT THAT
Oikawa: PPL*
Atsumu: they don't taste that bad if ya only have one at a time and they have good nutritional value
Kageyama: well i have eaten a scorpion in lollipop before
Kageyama: but that was in 2nd grade
Kageyama: and it was cronchy
Shirabu: Don't scorpions have poison
Suga: ^^ yeah that's what i thought?
Atsumu: yanno grassshoppers are cronchy too
Kageyama: not the ones we ate i guess
Kageyama: idk the teacher gave them to us
Kageyama: i dont actually remember if i ate the scorpion or not
Kageyama: bc i like to crunch on lollipops too
Kageyama: so the cronch mightve been the candy not the creature
Oikawa: why?
Suga: kageyama why do crunch on lollipops
Kageyama: uh idk
Yahaba: who bites lolipops
Atsumu: yea wait y would ya do that
Futakuchi: Kageyama i agree it's fun
Futakuchi: to cronch on a lollipop
Akaashi: the flavor goes away faster and it can be painful
Kageyama: well i like it so
Oikawa: c r o n c h
Yahaba: when I was younger I did that and had a shard of lollipop lodged in my throat
Semi: yikes that sounds painful
Kageyama: can't say that's happened to me before but oof
Yahaba: I was at a school play and I went to the bathroom and chugged water, then it eventually went down
Suga: i-okay
Notes:
yeEt the survey quiz was fun to make lmao it was originally very weirdly organized but i've fixed it since then (i think) so take it if you wanna,,,
thx for reading!
Chapter 9
Summary:
feet, megamind, and jesus
Notes:
k so this chapter is cursed. (and if any of you are religious I am very sorry this is so cursed. blame my recommendations from google and my friends)
please enjoy :))
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
10:58 PM
Yahaba: akaashi and shirabu u bitches
Shirabu: lmfao that was great
Semi: i fr thought it was you yahaba sry
Yahaba: u two suck i hate u both
Osamu: lmao were ya playin among us
Akaashi: yeah it was fun
Yahaba: Akaashi and Shirabu f*cking double teamed me but we turned off confirm eject so no one could tell IT WASN'T ME
Shirabu: that's what you get
Akaashi: among us does that to ppl idk what to tell u
Kenma: i absolutely despise kageyama rn
Kageyama: i thought i saw you vent,,, :((
Kenma: You have 20 minutes to vacate the premises
Kageyama: Do I get any donuts or
Kageyama: ?
Kenma: Yes you can have donuts
Yahaba: Akaashi and shirabu i'm evicting u guys too
Akaashi: can i have a promotion before being evicted
Yahaba: Sure you're now the vice president of the company
Yahaba: But you're also fired immediately
Yahaba: So..
Akaashi: it's okay i can do both
Yahaba: Okay good
Shirabu: Yeet
2:19 AM
Atsumu: feet are so weird
Atsumu: how do ppl have feet fetishes
Kenma: idk
Oikawa: tbh feet give me the heebie jeebies
Shirabu: what the f*ck
Osamu: why're ya thinkin bout f*ckin feet at 2 in the morning
Atsumu: like...feet
Atsumu: why feet
Oikawa: f e e
Oikawa: t
Akaashi: feet are just weird in general
Kenma: ikr
Atsumu: like ariel stop wigglin yer toes why
Futakuchi: are you watching the little mermaid or smth?
Atsumu: yea
Osamu: so that's what the light from yer room is
Atsumu: ariel is best disney princess y'all fight me
Oikawa: i'll fight you i like cinderella the best
Futakuchi: nah belle's better
Akaashi: k but mulan
Osamu: ^^ can't argue w that
Kenma: ngl the chameleon in tangled was the best
Oikawa: anyways I disagree with the concept of feet
Oikawa: We should just have more hands it's not that hard
Atsumu: exactly
Futakuchi: Infinitely more useful
Akaashi: hands are so much more practical
Atsumu: Exactly
Oikawa: like hands can walk too
Oikawa: just evolve so that feet become hands
Akaashi: I think that monkeys are the highest form of physical evolution
Atsumu: yes
Kenma: akaashi what
Oikawa: Feet hands! feet hands!
Futakuchi: f e e t h a n d s
5:23 AM
Oikawa: so i started playing osu
Oikawa: and now i can't stop
Oikawa: plz save me
Yahaba: Oh no
Suga: It’s too late
Akaashi: I remember Kenma's osu phase
Akaashi: that was a trip
Kenma: ez
Kageyama: Oikawa san y r u playing osu at,,,5 in the morning
Oikawa: why CANT i tobio chan???
Kagayama:,,,
Kageyama: isn't it a weekday-
Oikawa: osu waits for no one i need to get a B on SOMETHING, ANYTHING
Kenma: lmao noob
Oikawa: SHUT IT I JUST STARTED
Shirabu: yeah ur a noob
Oikawa: aslkhjldfha;j LET ME GET TO B ON SMTHHHH
Kageyama: try the taiko
Yahaba: ^^ those were easiest for me when i started
Kageyama: yeah taiko is just z,x,c,v keys and the easy songs are slow
Kenma: or the fruit catching tbh
Kenma: it's just arrow keys
Suga: Oikawa...did u only get 3 hours of sleep between 2 and 5?
Oikawa: o no i slept at like 8 lol
Oikawa: i woke up at 2 and now im here
Kenma: weak
Shirabu: ^^
4:20 PM
Oikawa: happy 4 20 y'all
Futakuchi: ty for that
Suga: thank you??
Shirabu: hi so megamind is f*cking terrifying
Futakuchi: Megamind is the highest form of visual art to date
Shirabu: it's terrifying
Shirabu: t e r r i f y i n g
Semi: gotta agree w him on that one megamind is freaky
Futakuchi: Artttt
Semi: it can be art and terrifying
Oikawa: lmao ur not wrong
Shirabu: their f o r e h e a d s
Shirabu: terrifying
Suga: Lmao what
Semi: their foreheads scare me so hard
Semi: otherwise i liked megamind
Suga: Maybe the real megamind was the friends we made along the way
Shirabu: i-
Shirabu: no
Yahaba: yeah wait what
Suga: Idk i think I'm right on this one chief
Shirabu: n o
Futakuchi: You're resisting progress my dude
Atsumu: It’s borderline perfection y'all
Futakuchi: THANK YOU
Suga: See he gets it
Suga: Megamind supremacy
Atsumu: Hell yeah
Osamu: i hated that movie
Shirabu: ^^^^^^^^^^^
Akaashi: It can be perfection and also terrifying
Kageyama: The blue man intimidates me (;-_-)ノ
Oikawa: Good
Akaashi: I appreciate the movie the way a hostage appreciates being kept alive
Oikawa: WAIT LMAO WHAT
Kenma: That's the most f*cking powerful thing u've ever said
Akaashi: what an achievement
Futakuchi: Holy sh*t what did megamind do to you
Semi: Oml what a statement
Oikawa: RIGHT??
Oikawa: IDK WHAT IT MEANS BUT ITS GOT A VIBE
Semi: what was going on in ur head when u said that???
Akaashi: to be very honest idk but
Akaashi: Megamind was a f*cking trip for 11 year old me
Futakuchi: I have a confession to make
Futakuchi: I've never seen megamind
Kenma: yeah neither have i
Suga: ^^ hehe same
Atsumu:...
Oikawa: WHAT
Atsumu: Y'ALL WHAT
Shirabu: W H A T
Futakuchi: IM SORRY
Futakuchi: ITS TRUE
Suga: I never,,,got the chance?
Kenma: the movie looked weird so i just didn't
Oikawa: YOU ALL NEED TO WATCH IT. BRING UR CRUSHES OR SMTH IDK BUT YOU ABSOLUTELY NEED TO
Oikawa: IS IT ON NETFLIX
Futakuchi: lol i'll check
Futakuchi: Its not
Osamu: Rippp
Atsumu: Awww :(((
Oikawa: we all need to watch it
Oikawa: One day
Oikawa: It'll happen
Oikawa: I swear it
Suga: Absolutely
Kenma: not
Semi: ^^^
Osamu: ^^^^^
Shirabu: ^^^^^^
Akaashi: The foreheads will scare you too
Futakuchi: They will not
Atsumu: lmao they'll creep ya out a lil
Osamu: i know he's an alien an' all but his forehead was horrifyin
Akaashi: Megamind is hot but his foreheads terrifies me
Kenma: what
Akaashi: i said nothing
Oikawa: Idk if I’d call him hot
Oikawa: but yeah his forehead is large lmao
Akaashi: He's kinda hot
Akaashi: I like his eyes
Akaashi: They're vry pretty
Kenma: ...what the actual f*ck keiji-
Futakuchi: That's,
Futakuchi: Wow
Oikawa: I'm gonna read Jesus x reader fanfic
Suga: There we go
Suga: Religious and wholesome
Yahaba: Jesus is best boi ™
Atsumu: get that WAP
Atsumu: Worship and Prayer
Oikawa: Mhm mhm
Akaashi: No
Akaashi: You can’t make me
Oikawa: NEVER MIND I CAN'T READ THOS
Yahaba: LMAO
Oikawa: Jesus just said "suck my pee pee" I can't
Kenma: C'mon akaashi, give it everything you got for that Worship and Prayer
Futakuchi: AHAHAH
Oikawa: I draw the line at sucking peepee
Atsumu: wdym that's the best part
Suga: idk what ur on, that's where interested
Suga: I'm* ;))
Oikawa: JESUS CALLED THE PEEPEE SUCKING WEAK
Oikawa: I-
Yahaba: LMAO
Yahaba: I'M GONNA TELL IWAIZUMI SAN HOLD ON
Oikawa: WAIT YAHABA NO-
Atsumu: yer too late he's gone
Oikawa: READER IS TRYING THEIR BEST HERE
Yahaba: YOU HAVE DISAPPOINTED JESUSS
Oikawa: AH YES JESUS THEN DISAPPEARS IN A FLASH OF LIGHT AFTER A BLOW W O W
Suga: LMAO
Osamu: This is a f*ckin trip
Akaashi: yeah that sums it up
Oikawa: "My dumbass parents think I'm helping out at the church but I'm doing THE WEED"
Atsumu: Ah yes THE WEED
Semi: Not the weed :O
Oikawa: screenshot 1
Oikawa: Just read that middle part
Suga: oh yikes
Yahaba: lmfao wowwwwww
Kenma: Whoopsies
Oikawa: screenshot 2
Oikawa: This is a f*cking fever dream
Yahaba: LMAO
Atsumu: HAH
Akaashi: This is quality
Osamu: I think what makes these good is that ya can tell it's very well written
Kenma: strong quality
Futakuchi: Lots of memes
Suga: V high quality
Oikawa: "I think of his holy peepee being shoved up my poopyhole" Im glad the author made this very gender neutral
Akaashi: Oh absolutely that's 100% what u should be paying attention to
Yahaba: Very considerate of the author
Oikawa: Ok now I'm gonna read a Jesus x shrek
Oikawa: Plz pray for me
Atsumu: Finally some good f*ckin food
Oikawa: screenshot 3
Yahaba: EW WHAT
Oikawa: OML THE TRAIN IS HITTING ON SHREK TOO
Oikawa: THE TRAIN IS THOMAS
Futakuchi: W H AT
Kenma: ew whats up w the ear licking
Kageyama: uh.
Suga: Hi kageyama don't read tis plz
Atsumu: LUCIOUS CRUSTY DUSTY SANDALS ER SUCH A SPECIFIC TYPE AHAHAHA
Oikawa: Yoho tobio chan!!
Kageyama: I won’t read it don’t worry Suga san
Akaashi: yeah don't worry about this at all
Osamu: nothin goin on here
Yahaba: ^^^ nope nothing :DD
Atsumu: keep yer eyes wholesome tobio kun
Kageyama: yeah i'm trying,,,
Notes:
if you're interested in reading the aforementioned fanfictions the links are here and here and, last and hopefully least, h e r e. To clarify, the first two links should be to the jesus x reader and the last one to the jesus x shrek.i would say thx for reading but if you've made it this far honestly you're a trooper good job have a cookie: (::)(ALSO TO ALL THE PPL WHO ANSWERED MY GOOGLE FORM. THANK YOU. SO MUCH. SOME OF THE RESPONSES WERE HILARIOUS I LOVED THEM AND EVERYONE WHO ANSWERED NORMALLY TY TOO. shoutout to the three people who said bokuto and/or bokuto's cake and the one person who said docosahexaenoic acid and one person who said Oikawa's non-existent cake and there was one person who said God's testicl*s and I-I have no words.)
Chapter 10
Summary:
Suga is mildly murderous.
Notes:
I haven't updated in ages this is so tragic I'm sorry. my neighbor (who reads this too??) has been yelling at me for it so here we go again. thank you to everyone who's read it in the past and left kudos and comments, I really love it.
(Now rereading this whole thing I've realized that among us is super outdated but we are going to. ignore that...)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
3:22 AM
Oikawa: If a 213 cm tall pixelated Minecraft Steve suddenly showed up irl in your room while you were sleeping what would you do
Suga: I would...keep sleeping?
Oikawa: No but like if you woke up
Oikawa: And there was a 213 cm tall pixelated Steve standing over you
Kenma: idk i guess i'd go back to sleep too
Atsumu: where tf do ya dig these ideas outta yer brain
Oikawa: how tf do you type in KANSAI ACCENT anyways i digress.
Oikawa: i'd be terrified if a taLLER-THAN-USHIWAKA pixelated Minecraft steve was standing over me while i was sleeping
Suga: as unsightly as that sounds, if im about to be possibly murdered while defenseless im not gonna be struggling
Kenma: ^^^ yeah that
Oikawa: No no he's not gonna kill you he's just standing there
Osamu: Like a voyeur or smth?
Osamu: Id prolly get up and see his reaction
Suga: hm maybe that too
Atsumu: tbh I'd scream so loudly that sounds horrifyin
Oikawa: and did you know that peppa pig is like, 215 cm tall??!!
Futakuchi: now that's nightmare fuel
Futakuchi: imagine how tall the rest of her family is
Suga: I'm shorter than PEPPA PIG??!!
Semi: going by that logic most of us are shorter than peppa pig
Suga: I'm already one of the shortest on my TEAM i do NOT NEED TO BE SHORTER THAN f*ckING PEPPA PIG
Suga: there are three FIRST YEARS TALLER THAN ME
Suga: AND NOW THIS PIG????
Oikawa: o no Mr. refreshing kun is scary when he's mad
Suga: I am going to sic peppa pig so hard she won't even be able to hang up the phone on me
Futakuchi: now now, at least ur taller than george
Futakuchi: he's only 73 cm no biggie
Suga: I am still SEETHING
Akaashi: why are so many of you awake rn
Oikawa: we're having a very enlightening conversation
Akaashi: why do i doubt that
Semi: Because it's 3 30 am and they're talking about stalker Minecraft steve and peppa pig's height
Akaashi: Ah I see
Akaashi: I mean I don't but
Akaashi: Hm
Akaashi: i think i see him
Oikawa: pretty owl-chan are u,,, okay
Akaashi: No
Kenma: He just finished studying for some tests tmrw dw about him
Semi: It's 3 in the morning ?!
Akaashi: you're all up too I don't see the big deal
Oikawa: Ew studying (͡°ʖ̯͡°)
Akaashi: Ew yourself
Suga: HAH
Oikawa: ʕ ㅇ ᴥ ㅇʔ
Oikawa: I feel incredibly hurt and in pain rn how could u do this to me
Akaashi: Lol u suck gn
Atsumu: wow he rlly just dipped like that
Kenma: he's sleep deprived so. Better that than angy
Semi: you all need to go to sleep
Oikawa: lol no :pp
7:56 pm
Yahaba: have you ever chomped
Yahaba: on
Yahaba: a
Yahaba calculator
Suga: I cant say I have
Yahaba: Dang it's very fun
Suga: I will...keep that in mind
Yahaba: it kinda tastes like wood
Shirabu: what?
Yahaba: like so i left it in my desk for a couple weeks right nd my desk is made of wood
Yahaba: so now it tastes like oak or some kinda tree
Futakuchi: are you trying to tell us you aged your calculator like fine wine?
Suga: PFFT
Yahaba: YES
Kenma: Gotta say finely aged calculator is a first
Yahaba: f*ck I don't remember how to do these math problems tho
Shirabu: Your finely aged calculator is USELESS
Yahaba: NOT AS USELESS AS YOU
Shirabu: I am LITERALLY the main setter
Shirabu: you pleb
Yahaba: I'll be the main setter once Oikawa is gone!
Futakuchi: I have an idea
Futakuchi: we should start planning Oikawa's death now
Oikawa: NO NO WHY
Osamu: while we're at it, get ridda tsumu too
Atsumu: y'all suck ASS
Atsumu: ACTUAL ASS
Suga: why don't we get rid of all the main setters?
Semi: I'm liking the sound of that
Yahaba: i second that
Kageyama: suga-san pls don't kill me
Suga: no promises :DD
Futakuchi: why are you so...murderous. today
Oikawa: could it be mr. refreshing-kun's time of the month ?? 👀👀
Semi: as cool as it'd be if he were trans I'm pretty sure suga is running on the anger that Peppa pig is taller than him
Semi: which is to say, his anger at anyone taller than him
Kageyama: oh that'd explain his threats today during practice
Suga: semi is right!! (〃゚3゚〃)
Suga: anyone taller than me must go!!
Futakuchi: aight anyone living in miyagi taller than 174 cm it's time to blast outta here
Akaashi: *vibes in tokyo*
Kenma: ^^
Atsumu: *vibes in hyogo prefecture*
Osamu: *vibes in a whole half a country away*
Suga: bet i WON’t still come and find you all
8:42 pm
Kageyama: I hate homework
Futakuchi: Yeah me too buddy
Kenma: ^^^
Futakuchi: Ultimate brain pain
Suga: Fr fr
Atsumu: just typed half my body paragraph but i dont remember typin half my body paragraph what the f*ck
Atsumu: WHAT
Atsumu: WHEN DID I TYPE THIS f*ck IM SO TIRED
Futakuchi: LMAO
Suga: That happened to me the other day too I was doing a history paper and fell asleep
Suga: Checked next morning and the paper was done and I didn't know it was literally me who finished it
Yahaba: i'd have a heart attack if that happened to me
Yahaba: Like if someone snuck into my room and did the work for me
Akaashi: If someone would do that for me I'd be GRATEFUL
Futakuchi: homework santa??
Osamu: Isn't that kinda creepy tho
Osamu: Someone sneakin into your room like that
Akaashi: I mean.
Akaashi: It's for the betterment of your grades
Shirabu: that just sounds rlly f*ckin awfully sus
Atsumu: That'd be bc it is rlly f*ckin awfully sus
Suga: You are all awfully sus and distracting me so hush
Oikawa: uwu you're not my mom
Yahaba: Yeah that's cuz you think iwaizumi-san is your mom
Akaashi: hey what
Oikawa: AFLSKKGDK WAHT
Atsumu: huh oikawa I always knew you were weird but
Shirabu: that's a wack ass kink
Oikawa: NO NOT LIKE THAT
Akaashi: Im concerned
Suga: Yeah no me too
Osamu: Is it always like this?
Kenma: unfortunately yes
Osamu: great. Love that
Oikawa: what's the weiridnst thing youve ever seen
Shirabu: weirdest*
Oikawa: suit pp ur onion s irrelavnt
Suga: I want to correct that but I cannot understand
Futakuchi: "shut up ur opinion is irrelevant"?
Oikawa: YEA THST^^^
Shirabu: that*
Oikawa: STAP
Kenma: "Suit pp ur onion" is one of the weirdest things I've seen in a little while
Kageyama: I think there was a runaway pig in the road once
Semi: huh can't say i've ever seen that
Semi: i have seen a cow in the road tho
Shirabu: there was a runaway horse a few times too
Semi: oh right didn't one run off campus
Akaashi: you country people are odd
Osamu: the weirdest thig i've ever seen is tsumus face
Atsumu: OH f*ck OFF
Osamu: heh
Kageyama: is this what it's like to have a brother
Osamu: yea pretty much
Oikawa: oldr sistr gsng :DD !!
Kageyama: uh I guess ^^
Suga: wait kageyama you have a sister?
Kageyama: yeah she's a lot older than me tho
Oikawa: ew anotr thing we have in cmn ts is no ok
Yahaba: ur poor typing skills are the real "no ok" here
Oikawa: M TRUNA COOJ N TYOE AT TGE SDMR TONE
Akaashi: "I'm tuna cool and roe at some tone"
Yahaba: pFFTT
Kageyama: uh
Kenma: lmao nice try
Suga: as hilarious as that is I don't think that's what he's trying to say
Futakuchi: "I'm tryna cook and type at the same time"
Atsumu: Woah are ya magic or smth
Semi: definitely magic wth
Oikawa: it took me a goddamn hour to heat up that faux beef pot roast and it tastes like literal dog food
Atsumu: eat up my little doggie
Oikawa: i actually hate you
Kenma: why are you heating up faux beef pot roast that sound gross
Atsumu: why not
Oikawa: bc I cant cook
Oikawa: ...and im hungy
Futakuchi: bruh smh
Yahaba: he cant cook fr
Yahaba: we had a team barbecue thing at one point
Yahaba: and he ran off to mess with his "Iwa-chan", then forgot the grill was still heating the food
Yahaba: then we all had to cash in to buy konbini snacks bc none of us had brought enough money to go to an actual restaurant
Suga: wow
Suga: I wanna say I'm disappointed but that sounds disturbingly in character
Oikawa: WHY ARE YOU SLANDERING MEEEE
Shirabu: bc it's easy
Oikawa: this is Not Okay™ TT
10:17 PM
Kageyama: i want a cat three and a half octaves long
Futakuchi: what?
Akaashi: and I want
Akaashi: A life
Suga: Or mb a boyfriend
Akaashi: Yeah that too
Futakuchi: is no one...going to question the cat thing...??
Semi: Why the f*ck do you people never go to sleep
Shirabu: first off, it's not even 11, you old man
Futakuchi: second off, sleep is for the WEAK
Akaashi: Well you see I just woke up and looked at my hands and my first thought was "these arent my hands"
Osamu: yanno what, me too
Akaashi: Like sometimes i'm not even waking up i just look at my hands and think "are these even mine"
Osamu: I know right
Shirabu: What the actual f*ck are you guys on
Akaashi: copious amounts of coffee, no sleep, taking care of Bokuto all practice, and an excessive amount of schoolwork
Osamu: ^^ that minus the Bokuto and plus the shell-shock high of realizin ya have an essay due tmrw and u've barely even started
Osamu: and plus dealing with tsumu
Akaashi: sounds like hell
Osamu: oh it really is
Suga: Are
Suga: You
Suga: Willing
Suga: To
Akaashi: Yes
Suga: Give up your legs for Ice cream
Osamu: i mean
Osamu: Depends what flavor
Suga: I'll give you a tub of whatever you want if you give me your ligaments
Akaashi: And if i get a lifetime supply
Osamu: ^^ what they said
Suga: Goddamnit
Futakuchi: what???
Suga: I don't have that kinda money man that's what the organ selling is supposed to help me with
Kageyama: U can sell legs?
Osamu: Have u heard of the black market or nah
Kageyama: um
Futakuchi: ohHhhhh
Oikawa: wait
Oikawa: I want to see how much id be worth
Suga: Well my estimate for you is exactly $0.00
Akaashi: the only money someone could make off of you is your glasses
Futakuchi: PFFTTTT
Oikawa: no illegal my guy
Oikawa: but guys what if we sell tobio-chan on ebay!!
Futakuchi: Kageyama is baby why would you do that
Suga: I could probably do an actual run down of the prices someone would pay for specific organs
Osamu: I am absolutely f*ckin terrified rn
Futakuchi: YEAH NO ME TOO
Suga: I'm an angel i rlly dunno what u guys are talking about :DD
Suga: Also, as a what? are you selling him whole
Suga: or chopped up
Oikawa: I mean
Oikawa: U decide
Oikawa: We gotta think this through
Osamu: Y’all are strange
Semi: I'm mildly disturbed
Kageyama: do i...have any say in this
Suga: as much as i wish i could tell you yes
Suga: I'm afraid you have no say in this
1:20 AM
Oikawa: ⭐️ hey ⭐️ besties⭐️
Oikawa: I am having a ⭐️ crisis ⭐️
Suga: oh God
Semi: make it Stop
Akaashi: ew
Kenma: Stop
Shirabu: thats disgusting
Oikawa: LMAO
Oikawa: im here to scare u in emoji language
Oikawa: ⭐️
Shirabu: My ears are blind and my mouth can’t feel now
Akaashi: hey I will go to your house, chops your limbs off, and feed them to a dog as you, a limbless human STICK, watches helplessly
Kenma: Pls do it
Yahaba: pop off 1 am akaashi
Suga: make it END
Oikawa: ⭐️NO⭐️
Semi: Oikawa if I pay you 300 yen will you stop
Oikawa: Oh yeah deal im broke
Yahaba: What kind of trade is this
Semi: A fair one
Yahaba: I don’t got 300 yen tho
Yahaba: I’m poor
Oikawa: Then give a penny
Shirabu: yeah donate to your sad pathetic captain in the most useless american currency
Oikawa: meanies :((
Oikawa: anywho my ⭐️ crisis ⭐️ is IWA CHAN TEXTING ME GOOD NIGHT sh*tTYKAWA WITH HEARTS AFTERWARDS OMG DOES THIS MEAN SOMETHING
Shirabu: did i ASK
Yahaba: lololol gottem
Semi: ...
Kenma: ...Im leaving
Akaashi: no you're f*cking not if i have to stay and suffer then you do too
Suga: Hey so who wants to tell him that theyre practically dating
Yahaba: trust me I've tried
Yahaba: may he forever stay oblivious so i don't have to see any more pda than i already do tho
Shirabu: this is the actual Worst
Oikawa: omg none of u guys are helping w my crisis *sheds tear*
Suga: to be fair, we're having more of a crisis from how oblivious you are
Semi: and quite frankly no one wants to help
Akaashi: that ^^
2:16 PM
Futakuchi: super out of nowhere but
Futakuchi: have any of us questioned oikawa before for why and how he knows our numbers
Akaashi: we did at the very beginning but then he deflected and no one else brought it up again
Semi: h u h
Futakuchi: yeah wait oikawa how tf did you find our numbers
Oikawa: LET'S SEE!
Oikawa: Mr. Refreshing-kun--we exchanged numbers before
Suga: that is correct
Oikawa: Yahaba—i just took your number from the seijoh gc
Oikawa: Futakuchi—i was talking to your ex-captain and he gave me your number when i asked for the prettiest person on the team ;))
Futakuchi: what the f*ck
Futakuchi: and he just GAVE IT?? bruh
Oikawa: I'm like 88% sure he said "take his number and bother him as much as he bothered me"
Futakuchi: i—
Oikawa: little tobio's number i hustled from Mr. refreshing kun
Kageyama: suga-san...why...
Suga: ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ sorry not sorry my lovely kouhai
Kageyama: :((
Suga: :))
Oikawa: and as for everyone else—i hustled some more!!
Oikawa: no jk iwa chan is just in contact w the aces and i politely asked him to get them to give the numbers of all the setters
Yahaba: you mean you begged on your knees desperately until he agreed
Oikawa: yes I did exactly that
Futakuchi: t r a g i c
Akaashi: and i’m assuming bokuto-san had no issue handing out my phone number either
Akaashi: we’re gonna have a nice long talk with him about that
Suga: 👀
Kenma: how do you even know nekoma’s ace
Oikawa: oh wait no i just got your number from kuroo
Akaashi: he would be the type to give out kenma’s number to ppl and tell them to be their friend
Kenma: u g h
Atsumu: but you dont even like
Atsumu: know our team
Kageyama: i gave him your number
Atsumu: …
Atsumu: oh f*ck YER ASS SO HARD TOBIO KUN
Kageyama: uhhh please dont
Osamu: quite frankly i dunno if he can
Osamu: he’s the type t get f*cked not the other way ‘round
Suga: PFFTTTT
Akaashi: lol
Atsumu: i hate it here
Oikawa: 😔😔😔😔
Oikawa: welcome to the club my guy
Notes:
this fic is now taking inspiration from my school's grade-wide discord server and I'm hoping the level of chaoticness will match up. (is this fic even funny anymore?? Man I wish I could tell)
also do i totally project onto oikawa in this fic? yes. please don't worry about it.
thx for reading :))
Chapter 11
Summary:
Bees are (were?) eaten
Notes:
I come back a year and a half later with a new years gift for everyone. I'm also posting this chapter from my phone so if there any mistakes, rip. Happy 2023 :DD
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
6:21 PM
Kageyama: help
Suga: ???
Suga: we just left practice pls don't tell me you and hinata got locked in the gym again
Oikawa: ROFL WHAT
Yahaba: it's happened to you before
Semi: like (ex)senpai like (ex)kouhai
Futakuchi: fr
Kageyama: no im trying to play a game
Kageyama: HE'S SUCH A BOT AT IT LOLOLOL - Hinata
Kenma: Shouyou?
Kageyama: HEY KENMA!! - Hinata
Kageyama: I'M SHOWING KAGS THAT GAME YOU TAUGHT ME TO PLAY
Kageyama: UHHH GENSHIN???
Kenma: ah
Kenma: i see
Kenma: what AR
Kageyama: i just started. like 10 minutes ago
Suga: i'm guessing that means AR 1
Futakuchi: the way that I started the game, got to ar 35, then forgot to keep playing for months
Akaashi: the way that kenma is addicted to the stupid thing
Akaashi: how much money has it been now
Kenma: a good couple thousand yen
Kenma: couple hundred thousand*
Suga: holy sh*t
Oikawa: w o w
Oikawa: i spent almost 900 yen for welkin that one childe rerun last year and lost my 50/50 and gave up on the game
Yahaba: you only wanted him bc he's literally you, same birthday and all
Suga: hm the dumbass energy is there
Akaashi: simp energy too
Oikawa: h e y g i r l i e ??
Kenma: leave right now
Futakuchi: bruh my eyes buRN
Yahaba: god i want to uneye myself
Kageyama: ????
Futakuchi: Kenma who's ur main
Kenma: depends on the day
Kenma: I have kaeya xiao raiden kazuha and ayaka triple crowned
Suga: jesus 🥲🥲
Futakuchi: kaeya?
Akaashi: he reminds kenma of kuroo
Oikawa: yanno i see it
Kageyama: hinata says he mains itto
Futakuchi: huh yeah the energy levels match up
Suga: proud jean main here :))
Oikawa: NOW THAT's fitting too
Osamu: tsumu mains ningguang bc he likes ppl who will step on him
Osamu: and his account has sh*t luck he keeps losin his 50/50s to qiqi
Atsumu: I HAVE A RAIDEN U BITCH
Osamu: it took ya 130 wishes
Osamu: stoopid
Atsumu: i stopped playin for a reason :huff:
Atsumu: and my luck wasnt THAT bad
Osamu: ur c6 qiqi would beg to disagree
Futakuchi: L
Kenma: L
Suga: L
Oikawa: MASSIVE L AHAHA
Atsumu: STFU SAMU SHUT IT SHUT IT SHUT IT
Atsumu: i hate all a y'all
Kenma: the feeling's mutual
11:16 PM
Suga: oh my god there's a stinkbug in my room
Suga: A STINKBUG AGKJLAJ;
Kageyama: there are stinkbugs in japan?
Suga: MAYBE IT'S A co*ckROACH IDFK
Futakuchi: unhinged suga moment?
Kageyama: i cant remember a time when he is hinged
Shirabu: goddamn
Suga: KAGEYAMA IM DISOWNING YOU
Kageyama: 👍
Osamu: he sounds relieved tbh
Yahaba: nah bc I'd also be relieved in oikawa disowned me
Kageyama: that's bc i am
Suga: okay
Suga: the stinkbug is now safely tucked into the jar
Suga: it can join its buggy companions in suffocating to death
Shirabu: on one hand, the knowledge that Suga has a dead bug jar shouldnt be surprising
Osamu: on the other hand wtf
Futakuchi: sorry did i read that right
Futakuchi: DEAD BUG JAR??
Suga: dead bug jar
Kageyama: he brought it to practice one afternoon
Kageyama: asahi passed out
Shirabu: jesus. you guys need jesus
Yahaba: hate to agree but. ^^^ that's facts
Suga: we have asahi
Akaashi: is it true that you guys once strung him up on the volleyball net during christmas to represent jesus getting crucified
Suga: that is true
Kageyama: unfortunately
Atsumu: eww bugs are disgustin
Atsumu: like who invented those
Atsumu: the worst
Akaashi: Suga is having his serial killer arc and i'm here for it quite frankly
Suga: thank you
Akaashi: pls do stay far far away from tokyo though
Akaashi: I'd rather not become a victim
Yahaba: does this mean all of miyagi are potential victims
Yahaba: do I have time to run 🥲
Kageyama: no
Suga: no
2:02 PM
Kenma: lev swallowed a bee
Semi: excuse me?
Kenma: I said
Kenma: he swallowed a bee.
Akaashi: I can't say I'm surprised
Suga: that happened with noya once
Futakuchi: whats w you guys and swallowing bees
Shirabu: ^^^
Suga: was your bee dead
Kenma: it was alive
Semi: holy f*ck
Yahaba: bro 💀💀
Suga: at least noya's bee was dead
Suga: he mistook it for a crumb of bread
Futakuchi: phenomenal poetry right there
Semi: the stupidity of some of ur teammates astounds me
Suga: it's like parenting a team of toddlers
Akaashi: for me it's like having a toddler in a team of parents
Kenma: has bokuto eaten a bee yet
Akaashi: he's eaten a co*ckroach
Akaashi: a giant ass co*ckroach
Akaashi: grilled.
Futakuchi: hey so what the f*ck
Suga: it was grilled?
Akaashi: it was grilled.
Semi: why was it grilled
Yahaba: yes please answer why
Kenma: oh was it that barbecue after our training camp a while back
Akaashi: yes. Kuroo dared him to eat the co*ckroach on the grill
Akaashi: to no one's surprise, he ate it.
Kenma: to everyone's surprise you mean?
Kenma: even kuroo wasn't expecting him to actually eat it
Akaashi: well I wasn't surprised, just disappointed
Akaashi: and unfortunately for us all, bokuto did eat it
Semi: there is smth diff with you Tokyo people
Shirabu: im literally gonna throw up my lunch
Shirabu: if there's vomit on the front steps of shiratorizawa it's me
Semi: duly noted
Osamu: i hate backreadin
Osamu: and bugs
Osamu: bugs even more so than before
Osamu: good food does not include bugs
Akaashi: i'm inclined to agree
Osamu: why is your taste in men a bug-eater
Kenma: i ask him the same question every day
Akaashi: i ask myself the same question every day
3:19 AM
Akaashi: so as it turns out
6:59 AM
Kenma: ???
Futakuchi: as it turns out what
Futakuchi: AS IT TURNS OUT WHAT
Oikawa: what what what
Suga: ?
Atsumu: yo wassup
Akaashi: as it turns out
Oikawa: the lord has finally spoken
Akaashi: bokuto-san and i have entered a relationship
Oikawa: HELLO???????? OMG WHAT
Kenma: oh that's what kuroo called me at 4 AM for
Kenma: congrats
Suga: congrats!! :DDD
Atsumu: *GASp* congrats??!!!
Yahaba: congrats!!!
Kageyama: congrats
Semi: nice
Futakuchi: aye congrats
Shirabu: good job
Osamu: congrats!
Kenma: now you're saddled with bokuto for life
Kenma: have fun with that
Kenma: you're gonna be in a relationship with a man who ate a co*ckroach.
Oikawa: omg :o
Oikawa: kitty-chan is right
Kenma: istg never call me that again
Akaashi: i love him enough to ignore the co*ckroach eating
Osamu: that's smth i never thought i'd read
Kageyama: ^^
Futakuchi: now THAT's dedication
Suga: find yourself a man as dedicated as Akaashi
Atsumu: bruh fr
Yahaba: he takes care of you, makes sure you play your best, knows ALL YOUR MOODS?? accompanies you to the end of the world and back??
Shirabu: so find yourself a babysitter
Akaashi: unfortunately, that would not be inaccurate
Semi: full-time babysitter AND boyfriend now
Osamu: that's gotta be tough
Oikawa: props to you tho pretty-owl-chan!! may you find happiness!!
Akaashi: thank you
Kageyama: if i tell hinata the news will he start cheering
Kageyama: that his parents finally got married
Suga: WOAH
Akaashi: i am unsure, but go for it kageyama
Suga: YOURE NOT HIS PARENT??? i AM
Akaashi: hm? did someone say something?
Futakuchi: goddamn
Yahaba: pls stop encouraging the suga serial killer arc 🙏🙏
8:10 PM
Atsumu: okay everyone please expose your screentime from this week
Kageyama: uh why
Oikawa: ^^ why
Osamu: tsumu is stupid and doesn't like givin context for sh*t
Osamu: we got a project for class bout technology and need to collect data from at least 20 ppl bout phone usage
Futakuchi: i dont quite want to share my time spent on youtube
Yahaba: share anyways
Futakuchi: 32 hours the past week
Suga: that...could be worse??? I think??
Yahaba: 💀💀💀💀💀
Yahaba: bro that means you average over 4 hours a day on it
Akaashi: that could still be worse
Kenma: that's weak
Akaashi: oh?
Akaashi: Kenma, pull up your game screentime
Kenma: no
Kenma: you cant make me
Akaashi: try me
Kenma: ...
Kenma: i hate how competent u are
Kenma: almost 56 hours last week
Atsumu: HOLY MOLYYYY
Yahaba: SHEESH
Semi: are you,,,alive.
Kenma: no
Suga: let's move onto more normalish numbers please
Oikawa: okay mine are
Oikawa: vanced kit for 12 hours
Oikawa: youtube for 17
Kageyama: Also what's cancer kit
Kageyama: Vanced
Yahaba: LOL
Yahaba: not oikawas fake YouTube
Atsumu: his WHAT
Oikawa: ... Okay so
Oikawa: It's YouTube without ads
Atsumu: 💀💀💀 stfu no way
Kageyama: ...then why do u also use YouTube
Oikawa: OBVIOUSLY For shorts
Oikawa: 😌😌😌😌
Oikawa: Also vanced kit take like 10 seconds to load so
Oikawa: Takes
Suga: 💀💀💀
Futakuchi: not the youtube shorts
Kageyama: My YouTube use is much less
Suga: good, dont be like oikawa
Oikawa: HEY I'm tryna quit shorts and it's not working
Yahaba: I can vouch, he did try to quit. It did not work
Atsumu: Ya can't quit it
Atsumu: I was almost tempted to quit and move to Instagram reels bc reels has more consistent stuff but. YouTube shorts prevails
Oikawa: I keep telling myself at least it isn't tik tok but I don't think it's much better
Akaashi: hm fair at least it's not tiktok
Kageyama: i don't have Instagram
Futakuchi: That's for the better tbh
Oikawa: NOOO not for the better >:(((
Oikawa: I need more follows
Yahaba: bruh. Bc you want kageyama to follow you 🤨🤨
Atsumu: who asked tho
Oikawa: bITCH
Atsumu: lolol :PPP
Akaashi: hm my chrome use the past week was 16 hours
Futakuchi: holy jesus
Semi: yeah mine too
Yahaba: what are you guys DOING
Yahaba: I go on safari for like an hour max a day???
Akaashi: studying
Osamu: respect
Akaashi: and reading manga on my pirating sites
Atsumu: mad respect
Semi: I just like reading articles
Shirabu: bc you're BORING
Oikawa: not the way he appears just to slander semi
Shirabu: not the way that you use off brand youtube
Oikawa: I DON'T LIKE ADS SO SUE ME
Semi: yanno, he might actually try to sue you
Oikawa: ...aight let's move on
3:48 PM
Atsumu: samu where r u
Atsumu: cant find u
Atsumu: WHEREEEEE
Osamu: Tsumu i see ya
Atsumu: Where
Osamu: Here
Osamu: Look to ur 10 oclock
Atsumu: ??
Osamu: okay try 9 clock
Osamu: And across the walkway
Osamu: A little further
Atsumu: i dont see ya
Osamu: f*ckin hell ya DUMB PIG LOOK HARDER
Osamu: maybe 7 o'clock
Atsumu: Kys
Osamu: no u
Atsumu: 😤😤
Atsumu: WAIT BITCH 7 O CLOCK IS BEHIND ME
Osamu: I KNOW
Osamu: 9 O'CLOCK IS LITERALLY WHERE I AM TO YA
Osamu: BUT YA DIDN'T TURN ENOUGH STUPIDASS
Futakuchi: bruh reading this interaction happy live is insane
Futakuchi: happen***
Suga: ive never been so confused yet so entertained at the same time
Yahaba: atsumu no braincells confirmed???
Kenma: definitely confirmed
Shirabu: the more i read their names in this chat the less real the names look
Futakuchi: nahhh that's fr
Suga: Where are you two even going
Atsumu: hehehe we're throwin ballzzzz
Osamu: what he means to say is
Osamu: our whole team is goin bowling
Akaashi: Are you good at bowling
Osamu: I'm alright
Osamu: Tsumu sucks tho
Atsumu: I DO NOT
Osamu: hm kita senpai would disagree
Atsumu: SHADDUPPPPP
Suga: have fun bowling!
Oikawa: send videos of tsumtsum please 🙏🙏🙏🙏
Osamu: will do
Kenma: funny story, akaashi is very bad at bowling
Akaashi: funny story, kouzume
Kenma about to be found dead in his home in 10 minutes
Kageyama: it'd be a funny story if we were all characters in a volleyball anime and our entire group chat was a story
Yahaba: hey no going meta on us
Suga: that'd sure be a funny story alright hahahaa
Yahaba: is no one gonna talk bout Akaashi's serial killer arc
Kenma: it conveniently slipped my mind
Akaashi: you're going to conveniently slip on ice this winter and fall to your death
Oikawa: now THAT'S a funky way to die
Atsumu: death by bowlin would be funny
Osamu: if ya don't hurry ur ass up and pick yer size bowling shoe I'm gonna hurl ur ass into the bowling alley
Shirabu: we are all so violent today :DD
Futakuchi: I don't think that's smth to be excited about
Suga: no no. This is character development
Semi: somehow I doubt that 💀
Notes:
dunno if anyone reading plays genshin, but if you do, kudos to you. Fic is now taking inspo from some strange conversations I've been having with a friend from anatomy class
Thx for reading :))